Thank You, Heavenly's Relapse
by frostyfreezyfreeze54
Summary: In this year's two-part Halloween episode of Thank You, Heavenly, more than 15 distinct stories are told based off of Eminem's 2009 album Relapse. Segments include serial killers, dealings with supernatural beings, bizarre hallucinations, corporate conspiracies, and urban legends about mythological creatures.
1. TYH Relapse Part I Script

_Thank You, Heavenly_

Theme Song: "My Darling" by Eminem (this episode only)

SEASON 7

EPISODES 7 & 8

"Thank You, Heavenly's Relapse" (Parts I & II)

Airdate: October 28, 2018

Special Guest Stars: Paul Rosenberg as Himself, Steve Berman as Himself

 _#TYH701/#TYH702_

 _COLD OPEN_

 _"Dr. West (Segment #1)"_

 _Fade in. Bitch Clock is in an office waiting for his therapist to arrive. Dr. West comes in with his briefcase and takes a seat._

DR. WEST: Good morning, Bitch Clock. My name is Dr. West, and I'll be filling in for Dr. Adamson.

BITCH CLOCK: What _did_ happen to Dr. Adamson?

DR. WEST: Let's just say he had a little accident. The details...ah, you can read about it in the papers. So what can I do you for?

BITCH CLOCK: Well, after rehab, I've been attending a lot of AA meetings, trying to keep my mind off drinking.

DR. WEST: Really? Well, your file says you've been a heavy drinker for the better part of 25 years.

BITCH CLOCK: Yeah, I just felt like it was time for a change. But lately, I've been scared.

DR. WEST: Scared? You shouldn't be scared of anything, you're a grown man trapped in an alarm clock's body. What could you possibly have to be scared of?

BITCH CLOCK: Well, it's like, what if I go to a party with the fellas, and someone's drinking around me?

DR. WEST: Take a drink.

BITCH CLOCK: What?

DR. WEST: Take a drink, it's not like one glass of wine is going to kill you.

BITCH CLOCK: How much corner store crack did you smoke to come to that conclusion? If I have a drink, I don't know what that's going to lead me to.

DR. WEST: You mean, this?

 _Dr. West pulls out a 40-ounce bottle of Olde English malt liquor from his bag._

BITCH CLOCK: Man, what the hell is going on here?

DR. WEST: Come on, Bitch Clock, you're a big boy. You should be able to control your impulses. And if not, well, I can help you go back to the piece of shit alcoholic you used to be.

BITCH CLOCK: I'm done with that stuff, man. Get it away from me.

DR. WEST: Why? It's ice cold, fresh from the store. It goes great with orange juice.

BITCH CLOCK: Man, f*** you, man. Where's Dr. Adamson, what the f*** did you do to him?!

DR. WEST: It won't hurt, Bitch Clock. And no one else will know but me.

 _At that point, Bitch Clock realizes that he is tied to the chair and Dr. West stands over him with the bottle of malt liquor, about to pour it down his throat._

BITCH CLOCK: NO! NO! NO! **NOOOOOOOOO!**

 _Cut to Bitch Clock waking up in his bed screaming. His screaming ends up waking up Sparky._

SPARKY: Bitch Clock, what happened? Are you okay?

BITCH CLOCK: No, I just had a nightmare. I went to rehab!

 _"My Darling" starts playing in the background as Sparky looks at the camera with a bored expression. Cut to a shot of a grave being dug at night, and the casket is lowered into the ground. The casket is then covered in dirt._

 _Dissolve into later on as it has started raining, and the tombstone is in a long line of other tombstones, each of them having previous Halloween episodes of the series engraved on them. The tombstones read: "Halloween in Seattle - 10.28.2012," "Stories Killed the Radio Stars - 10.27.2013," "The Life and Times of Diana Katanova - 10.26.2014," "The Halloween from Hell - 10.30.2015," "Savi's Revenge - 10.30.2016," "The Zombies Come Out at Night - 10.30.2016," "RK's Monster - 10.29.2017," and "Jaylynn the Satanist - 10.29.2017." The last one has no engraving at all, but after being struck by lightning, the words "Thank You, Heavenly's Relapse - 10.28.2018" appear in blood on the tombstone. Fade to black._

SCENE 1

The MacDougal Household

Seattle, Washington

 _"3 a.m. (Segment #2)"_

 _Fade in. The instrumental to "3 a.m." plays briefly in the background as there is an exterior shot of Sparky's house. It is currently raining at night. Cut to the kids watching TV inside._

REPORTER: And in local news, police are advising Seattle residents to be on the lookout for the highly dangerous "Midnight Killer." The man has currently killed over 45 victims in the Seattle area, with no plans of slowing down any time soon. Crime Stoppers is offering a $50,000 reward to anyone that can bring the killer to justice.

RK: You know, it's a shame. Our neighborhoods keep getting more dangerous and people still move here. America, am I right?

SPARKY: No.

JAYLYNN: Hey, what if we could be the ones to bring in the murderer? Then we could split the reward money five ways.

WADE: Jaylynn, are you crazy? We're just kids. Besides, if we're not careful, we could end up being killed.

JAYLYNN: We've been almost killed many times before. What's going to stop us now?

BUSTER: Jaylynn's right. Besides, I need that money. I could finally start paying some bills.

WADE: What bills? You live at RK's place rent-free.

BUSTER: Well, when I grow up, I'm going to have to start paying bills. I could invest my reward money in Skittles, and when the money turns a profit, I'll be a millionaire.

SPARKY: I think it's a great idea. But we can't just go into this like amateurs. We need inside information.

WADE: Don't worry. I'll be that guy. But I don't want anything to do with killing people.

RK: That's okay. I'll be the one to blow his brains out. I'll ask him how he wants it before I do it.

JAYLYNN: Wait, but if he's dead, doesn't that mean we won't get the money?

RK: I don't think so. Cops love dead people like fat people love the Cheesecake Factory.

SCENE 2

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Lunchroom

Seattle, Washington

 _With the exception of Wade, the other kids are eating lunch together._

BUSTER: So that's when I realized peanut butter and hot chocolate don't go together.

JAYLYNN: Dude, what are you talking about?

 _Wade shows up to the lunch table with a manila envelope._

WADE: Guys, I did it. I got all the information we'll need on the Midnight Killer.

SPARKY: How were you able to get intel on a serial killer?

WADE: The FBI's been trying to catch him for years. Besides, I might have hacked into a firewall that connects to their federal files.

RK: You have classified federal documents?! Oh, shit!

 _RK jumps off the table._

WADE: Man, what the hell is wrong with you?

RK: It's the FBI. They probably have snipers in position right now ready to take everyone out.

WADE: Do you always have to act like a conspiracy theorist?

SPARKY: I mean, I can't blame RK. If the FBI finds out you have these files, we're all going to jail.

WADE: Then all I need to do is open this here envelope and burn the evidence after we're done taking pictures of it.

 _Beat._

JAYLYNN: See, that's why you're the smart one.

WADE: Okay, so here are some of the cold facts. His real name is Donovan Oakley. He was kicked out of college for committing academic fraud, he likes to watch Cinemax in the middle of the night after his murders, and most of his victims have been known to have their necks snapped.

BUSTER: Wow. He's just a regular guy like you and me.

SPARKY: I don't get it. If the FBI has all this information on him, how come they haven't been able to convict him?

WADE: Well, they've tried many times in the past, but he usually escapes or the cases get thrown out because of inconclusive evidence. But that's not happening to us. Tonight, we're going to go to this bastard's house and get him thrown in the slammer for good.

RK: Look at this guy's picture. Of course he would kill people, that creep.

BUSTER: How can you tell?

RK: Dude, he's a middle-aged overweight white man with glasses. There are only two things you can be: Murderer or pedophile. And he's never been around kids, so you connect the dots.

SCENE 3

The Oakley Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

 _Donovan walks into his house in the middle of the night with a bloody knife._

DONOVAN: Ugh, why did I have to try stabbing today?

 _Donovan goes to the kitchen sink and cleans his knife of the blood. Cut to him going to the basement and putting his knife in the incinerator, along with his gloves. When he goes back upstairs, he is surrounded by the kids._

DONOVAN: What's going on here? Who are you kids?! How did you get in my house?!

WADE: You left the front door open.

 _Donovan sees that the front door is wide open._

DONOVAN: Well, who the hell is outside in Seattle at 3:03 in the morning?

SPARKY: Us. We're taking you in dead or alive and we're cleaning up that reward money.

 _The other kids give Sparky confused looks._

SPARKY: What? Are we here to take him to jail or play Connect Four with him?

 _Donovan grabs Sparky by the throat._

DONOVAN: How about I just take your life and clean up the body?

RK: I don't think so, pal.

 _RK shoots Donovan in the arm, which makes him scream and momentarily weakens him._

RK: LET'S GET HIM!

 _("3 a.m." plays in the background)_

 _The kids attack Donovan in an attempt to take him to jail alive while RK watches the door. Sparky joins in the attack after recovering from his throat being grabbed, but out of nowhere, Donovan ends up overpowering the kids. He flips Buster over, elbows Wade in the stomach and kicks Jaylynn in the head. RK shoots Donovan in his knee to subdue him, and Sparky tries choking him to death._

RK: You're killing him?!

SPARKY: What do you want me to do, take a bath with him?! This guy is smooth for a fat guy, he'll end up taking us out.

RK: Makes sense.

 _The other kids try to help choke Donovan out due to Sparky's arms not being big enough, but he is once again able to escape and tackles RK to the ground. He grabs his gun and easily shoots Buster, Sparky, Wade, and Jaylynn to death._

RK: NOOOOOO! YOU BASTARD!

 _RK tries to tackle Donovan to the ground for the gun, but Donovan ends up cracking RK's neck, killing him. Donovan sighs and takes out his phone to make a call._

DONOVAN: Yeah, Joey? It's the ice cream man, who do you think it is? Yeah, it was some kids this time. And they shot me twice. _Beat._ No, they were dumb as f***, I got rid of 'em. It was like some action movie shit. _Beat._ Does it matter what movie it was? I NEED YOU TO CLEAN UP SOME KIDS' BODIES, JOEY!

SCENE 4

The MacDougal Household

Seattle, Washington

 _"My Mom (Segment #3)"_

 _The "My Mom" instrumental plays briefly in the background as the camera shows an exterior shot of Sparky's house in the daytime. Cut to Bitch Clock digging through the medicine cabinet of the bathroom._

BITCH CLOCK: Come on, come on, where are they? Yes, son of a bitch, here we go!

 _Bitch Clock takes out a bottle of Valium and puts a pill in his mouth. He then smiles and grabs a handful of pills from the bottle, then pops them all at once as Sparky watches him in horror._

SPARKY: BITCH CLOCK, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! Man, you're gonna kill yourself!

BITCH CLOCK: Child, please, I've been taking Valium for years. It's part of my DNA. One time, I took a whole bottle in five minutes and didn't even black out.

SPARKY: But you're an alcoholic, not a pill head!

BITCH CLOCK: That's what you think. I always pop some Valium for my stress. Some Spanish guys thought I was short on the money even though I totally wasn't, so now I have to get ready for a shootout. By the way, I'm going to be out late tonight busting shots with my crew.

SPARKY: What money did they think you were short on?

BITCH CLOCK: Dude, I can't tell you my whole life story. Wait for my autobiography when I die.

SPARKY: Okay, well, let's talk about your crippling addiction to Valium!

BITCH CLOCK: Alright. But you should blame my mother. She was the one who got me hooked on the stuff in the first place. Ever since I was a kid, I've been into these puppies. I never had a chance.

 _Beat._

SPARKY: How the f*** do you even have parents?

SCENE 5

 _Bitch Clock is shown as a child eating breakfast with his younger brother in a flashback._

 _BITCH CLOCK (V.O.): See, my pops was never around. He served in the military which left me and the rest of my family to fend for ourselves. It was hard because...*Bitch Clock starts laughing heavily*..._ _man, I can't even say that shit with a straight face. He was just some idiot that walked out._

BITCH CLOCK: Mommy, I don't want waffles. I want pancakes!

MRS. CLOCK: Bitch, did I ask you? Oh, by the way, you might notice there's a special topping on those waffles.

 _Bitch Clock starts eating his waffles and gets a disgusted look on his face._

 _BITCH CLOCK (V.O.): My mother crushed up several Valium pills and put them in my waffles to eat. I don't know why my mother wanted this life for me. I want to believe most men thought she was unattractive and disgusting so she wanted to project her insecurities onto me. Or maybe she was just batshit crazy, who knows? I don't care._

SCENE 6

 _Child Bitch Clock is coloring in his coloring book when he notices a strange white dust all over his book. He takes the dust, rubs it on his hands, and licks his hand in disgust._

BITCH CLOCK: Ewww, it's that waffle topping again! How did it get in my book?

MRS. CLOCK: Hey, Bitch, are you going to eat tonight's mashed potatoes?

BITCH CLOCK: Am I?!

MRS. CLOCK: I don't know. That's why I'm asking you.

BITCH CLOCK: No, Mommy, that means I am. That sounds awesome!

 _Cut to Bitch Clock throwing up in the toilet later on._

MRS. CLOCK: Those pills I gave you before and after the meal? Don't worry about them. You're a tough kid, you'll become immune to them.

 _BITCH CLOCK (V.O.): I actually did become immune to them. But it led to a lot of problems when I was younger._

 _SPARKY (V.O.): You mean, when you were older?_

 _BITCH CLOCK (V.O.): What?_

 _SPARKY (V.O.): You said "when you were younger." I think you meant to say when you were older?_

 _BITCH CLOCK (V.O.): Yeah, yeah, whatever. Can I please finish the story?_

 _SPARKY (V.O.): Do your thing._

SCENE 7

Children's Hospital

Seattle, Washington

 _Several years later, a teenage Bitch Clock is overweight and being checked out by his doctor, with his mother standing near him._

BITCH CLOCK: Doc, why am I so fat?

DOCTOR: It appears all the coating of the Valium pills you've consumed over the years have created a hole in your stomach which caused an urge for you to eat constantly.

MRS. CLOCK: He'll get over it, right? Puberty is supposed to make you more attractive anyway.

BITCH CLOCK: This is all your fault, Mom!

MRS. CLOCK: You can't blame me for anything, Bitch. You're the one who swallowed all those pills like candy.

BITCH CLOCK: Yeah, because you force-fed them to me in all the food you made! Now I'm going to spend years on this stupid Valium and be an overweight monster for the rest of my life!

MRS. CLOCK: Hey, shit happens.

 _BITCH CLOCK (V.O.): It was at that point that I realized my mother was mentally insane. "Shit happens" became my mantra for life, and I spent years resenting my mother for turning me into an underachiever._

SCENE 8

The MacDougal Household

Interior Bathroom

Seattle, Washington

 _Dissolve into the present day._

BITCH CLOCK: After I dropped out of high school, I moved out of my mom's place and I haven't talked to her since. I started getting into crime to deal with all the pain, did a couple bids, and through all that, I became the lovable alcoholic you know today.

SPARKY: How did any of this factor into your drinking problem?

BITCH CLOCK: Well, that all started when I worked my first job. I remember the first bottle of liquor I ever put in my mouth. It was a...

SPARKY: You know what? You can tell me that story later. But why can't you just try to patch things up with your mother? You're not doing yourself any favors by holding on to all this hate.

BITCH CLOCK: Sparky, I'm a grown clock, not a sitcom character. If my mom was willing to do all that stuff to me and turn me into a drug addict, then so be it. I don't owe her a damn thing.

SPARKY: So, you're 100% over it?

BITCH CLOCK: Yup. F*** her. When she dies, I'll spit on her grave like I should but until then, I'll keep popping Valiums, drinking like there's no tomorrow, and doing underground work with some shady spaghetti-eating scumbags.

SPARKY: I don't think I learned anything from this story.

BITCH CLOCK: You weren't supposed to. It was about my life. Damn, I hate your "me, me, me" generation.

 _Sparky shakes his head and leaves. Bitch Clock begins whistling the hook to "My Mom" while taking more Valiums. He then pulls out a bottle of Jack Daniels from thin air and starts drinking it to go with the pills._

SCENE 9

The Vidal Household

Seattle, Washington

 _"Insane (Segment #4)"_

 _The "Insane" instrumental plays briefly in the background over an exterior shot of Halley's house at night. Cut to the dining room._

 _One night, the kids are eating dinner at Halley's place with her mother and her mother's new boyfriend._

CHUCK: So it was unbelievable. That's when I learned an important life lesson. If you continue to save your receipts, you'll never have to worry about an audit.

 _Beat. At that point, everyone starts laughing, which makes Chuck start laughing._

 _*to Sparky*_ BUSTER: What's an audit?

SPARKY: Beats me. But it sounds like it makes a really funny story.

 _*to RK*_ JAYLYNN: This guy is such a cornball. How did Halley's mother fall for him?

RK: Hey, corny people need love too. Half of these celebrities are cornballs, but they still bring home the bacon.

HALLEY: Alright, I think it's time for you guys to leave. Thanks for coming.

CHUCK: Yeah, you guys really made me feel good about my personality.

 _Cut to later on when the members of TSE are leaving._

 _*imitating Billy Ray Cyrus*_ CHUCK: Y'all come back now, you hear?

SPARKY: Don't worry, we will.

 _*to RK*_ JAYLYNN: I swear, we're not that corny. You've never been that corny.

RK: Thank you. You know, you've been great to talk to all night. I like this new Jaylynn, keep it up.

BUSTER: Hey Wade, you know what an audit is?

WADE: Sure do. You see, when it comes to an audit...

 _Cut back to inside the house._

HALLEY: I think they really liked you.

CHUCK: You think?

HALLEY: Yeah, they were laughing at all your jokes. You know, I was kinda sad when my mom told me she was dating again, but I think we're going to be good friends.

CHUCK: That's great, Halley. I usually don't date single mothers, but I just might have to make an exception for yours.

MRS. VIDAL: Isn't this great? The two most important people in my life right now.

HALLEY: I wasn't important before?

MRS. VIDAL: No, not really.

 _The three start laughing at that point._

SCENE 10

The Vidal Household

Interior Halley's Bedroom

Seattle, Washington

 _At night, Halley is sleeping when a mysterious figure opens the door. It is revealed to be Chuck, who has a stern look on his face. He fires up his chainsaw and is about to chop Halley's head off with it when she suddenly wakes up._

HALLEY: Who's that?

 _Chuck immediately turns off his chainsaw and hides it behind his back with a big goofy smile on his face._

HALLEY: Chuck, what are you doing in my room?

CHUCK: Oh, nothing. I just wanted to watch you sleep.

HALLEY: Oh. Why?

CHUCK: Because I...enjoy watching kids sleep. They're so precious. When I think about the youth of America today, I think...

HALLEY: Okay, I get it. But I get creeped out by people watching me sleep, so you think you could try that with another kid?

CHUCK: Hey, it's your house. I'll be on my way.

HALLEY: Alright, good night.

CHUCK: Night.

 _Chuck begins to leave, but he then fires up his chainsaw again and runs towards Halley screaming in an attempt to chop her head off. She wakes up and throws a bottle on her nightstand at Chuck, which causes him to drop his chainsaw and cut a hole in Halley's bedroom floor._

HALLEY: CHUCK, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!

CHUCK: I was trying to kill you, what does it look like I was doing?

HALLEY: WHY WERE YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!

 _Chuck sees that the bedroom door is open, and then closes it. He turns on the lights so he can see Halley._

CHUCK: Look, you need to keep your mouth shut about this, you little bitch.

HALLEY: Excuse me?!

CHUCK: You're excused. Look, let me shoot straight with you here. I don't give a shit about you, and I sure as hell don't give a shit about your mother. I'm just here to get rid of you and bang your mother along the way.

HALLEY: Are you nuts?!

CHUCK: No, I'm insane. And I hate single mothers. You know how many of them need their kids? None. All their hopes and dreams are destroyed the minute they have them. So I'm doing them a favor by killing their kids and giving these hot young ladies the life they never had.

HALLEY: And what makes you think you're going to get away with this?!

CHUCK: Because if you try telling your mother, I'll kill you. Well, I'm going to kill you anyway, but snitching will just expedite the process and make me wanna kill you even more so if I were you, I would enjoy my last day here on Earth. You're in Chuck's world now.

 _Chuck grabs his chainsaw and leaves the room. Meanwhile, Halley is shaking after hearing about Chuck's plan. Chuck then comes back._

CHUCK: You know what? I'm sorry about the hole in the floor. That wasn't supposed to happen. Usually, when I kill, it's like bada bing bada boom, but you caught on quicker than I anticipated so...night.

 _Chuck turns off the lights and closes the door one last time._

SCENE 11

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Lunchroom

Seattle, Washington

 _The next day, Halley is talking to the guys about the previous night's events._

JAYLYNN: Wait, so that whole bootleg Mister Rogers thing he was doing was just an act?

HALLEY: Yes. Now, that psycho's going to kill me and there's nothing I can do about it. I better enjoy my last burrito.

SPARKY: Halley, if you really think we're going to let that guy put his hands on you, you must not know what's going on here.

HALLEY: Sparky, that's sweet, but what can you do? He's bigger, stronger, and he's done this hundreds of times before.

RK: Like that matters. We'll be ready for him.

SPARKY: Exactly. All you need to do is let us know what his plan is and we'll come to your house to kill him before he kills you.

BUSTER: So we're really about to murder a serial killer?!

WADE: Looks like we don't have a choice.

BUSTER: Well, I guess it's okay if we can save Halley. Killing her would be like stomping out a puppy.

SCENE 12

The Vidal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

 _That night, Halley is on her couch watching TV with her eyes widened. Chuck comes downstairs smoking a cigarette, shrugs when he sees Halley, and begins to stick the cigarette into her neck which makes her scream and fall to the floor._

HALLEY: The f***, man?!

CHUCK: What? I have to prepare for this. Okay, let's go to the backyard. Your mom doesn't have to see any bloodshed in a house that she most likely paid for.

HALLEY: Whatever. But can I go to the bathroom first?

CHUCK: Hey, if you need to freshen up, that's okay. I like my victims clean anyway.

 _Halley runs into the downstairs bathroom and starts texting Sparky. The kids are outside the house dressed in all-black with weapons including baseball bats, butcher knives, steel chairs, and RK's gun._

SPARKY: Okay, he's going to kill her in the backyard. Let's get him!

 _The kids leave Sparky's car with their weapons. Cut to Chuck leading Halley into the backyard while holding her at gunpoint._

CHUCK: I just don't understand why you wouldn't let me saw your head off last night. You're just making it more painful.

HALLEY: Go to hell.

CHUCK: Already there. Okay, now at this point, I will shine my gun up one more time...

 _Chuck uses a rag to make his gun shinier._

CHUCK: Flip it in the air...

 _Chuck flips his gun in the air for no discernible reason._

CHUCK: ...and make sure I have the precise hit which would be somewhere in the cranial region. Lots of killers make the mistake of using multiple bullets, but I'm more of the methodical type.

SPARKY: You shouldn't be wasting time with your monologues, Chuck.

 _(The "Insane" instrumental plays in the background, with the hook on top of it: "If you could count the skeletons in my closet/Under my bed and up under my faucet/Then you would know I completely lost it/Is he nuts? No, he's insane!")_

 _RK fires a shot at Chuck's shoulder and Wade takes out his left knee with the baseball bat. Jaylynn passes Halley a sledgehammer and the six kids go to work on Chuck, assaulting him with their various weapons. With no hope of him countering the attack, RK attempts to shoot Chuck in his mouth, but Sparky grabs the gun and does it himself._

SPARKY: Never touch my girlfriend again!

BUSTER: Don't worry, Sparky, he's already dead.

 _Sparky gives Buster a bored expression._

JAYLYNN: Wow. We actually did it. We took down a vicious murderer.

RK: Please, that was nothing. He wasn't even a challenge.

WADE: You could say that again. Wait, Halley, who's that behind you?

 _The minute Halley turns around, she is shot twice in the chest, killing her instantly._

SPARKY: NOOOOOO, HALLEY!

 _The gunman is revealed to be Halley's mother._

SPARKY: IT WAS YOU?!

JAYLYNN: You bitch, that's your own daughter!

MRS. VIDAL: Don't you think I knew that? I've been tired of Halley for weeks. I only flew out here to have Chuck kill her, but I knew he couldn't do it. Because he was soft.

RK: You were in on it?!

MRS. VIDAL: The whole time. Now, which one of you wants to make the first move before I blow your brains out?

 _Beat. Sparky runs up to Halley's mother screaming and at that point, the screen cuts to black and a gunshot is heard. Another gunshot is heard, then another, then another. There is a brief pause as there is still one child remaining._

BUSTER: I WANNA LIVE!

 _Regardless, one last gunshot is heard._

SCENE 13

The MacDougal Household

Seattle, Washington

 _"Bagpipes from Baghdad (Segment #5)"_

 _The "Bagpipes from Baghdad" instrumental plays briefly in the background as the camera shows an exterior afternoon shot of Sparky's house. Cut to inside the living room, where RK and Wade are served drinks by Bitch Clock._

BITCH CLOCK: Here's your punch, boys.

RK AND WADE: Thanks.

RK: You know, Bitch Clock, I still don't get why you invited us to this...what did you call it? A juice summit?

WADE: Yeah, I mean, what value do we offer you? Unless this is just a way to humiliate us.

RK: Is it?

BITCH CLOCK: No, of course not. I want to get to know you boys for who you are.

 _At that point, a thought bubble appears over Bitch Clock's head which shows RK and Wade assaulting him in "The Greatest Party That Never Happened." His left eye starts to twitch when the memory switches to the boys' attempt to drown him in Sparky's kitchen sink._

 _RK: Take that, you little bitch!_

 _WADE: DIE!_

 _The thought bubble disappears._

BITCH CLOCK: Time to drink, boys. Oh, by the way, RK, could you raise your glass and say l'chaim?

RK: What?

BITCH CLOCK: Just raise your glass and say l'chaim like an old Jewish man would. Make sure you put some phlegm on it.

RK: Um, okay, sure.

 _RK raises his glass of punch and clears his throat._

 _*with a nasal inflection*_ RK: L'chaim.

 _Bitch Clock starts cackling and pounds his fist on the couch while RK and Wade look at each other with disinterest. Bitch Clock falls on the floor and rolls around laughing, then stands up and wipes tears from his eyes._

BITCH CLOCK: I'm sorry, that's just a funny word.

 _Dissolve into later on, with "Five Minutes Later" appearing on the screen. RK and Wade are knocked out from the fruit punch Bitch Clock gave them, while the clock has a sinister look on his face._

BITCH CLOCK: Payback's a bitch. No pun intended.

SCENE 14

 _RK slowly opens his eyes and wakes up scratching his head. He is on the ground somewhere and his eyes widen when he realizes he has no knowledge of his location._

RK: What's going on here? WADE?! WADE?!

 _At that point, Wade wakes up next to RK._

WADE: Yeah, man, what's wrong?

RK: Look around.

 _Wade looks around and sees a green sky, a Ferris wheel on fire, a leprechaun playing the pungi, penguins walking out of a bar drunk and about to get in a car, and a fat German boy in a blue sailor suit being chased by a pack of ravenous dogs while leaving behind a trail of Chips Ahoy! cookies._

BOY: AAAAAAH! COOKIE, LOOKIE! COOKIE, LOOKIE!

WADE: RK, I'm starting to get the feeling we might be dead.

RK: Dead? We can't be! We never even had the chance to see how much people secretly missed us!

WADE: Well, if this isn't hell, then I don't want to know what is.

ISIS MEMBER: HEY!

 _Wade's eyes widen when he sees a group of ISIS terrorists near him._

WADE: Dear God, it's ISIS.

RK: See, this is why we're not dead. Because our casket's gonna get picked out right now.

ISIS MEMBER: What are you doing in our town?!

WADE: We have no idea. We're just trying to get back home to Seattle.

SCOTSMAN: HEY!

 _The boys look to the other side and see a group of angry Scotsmen with bagpipes._

SCOTSMAN: You seem to be a little lost, laddies! Maybe we can help you out.

RK: You know, there's still a chance for us to run.

WADE: Let's take that chance.

 _("Bagpipes from Baghdad" starts playing in the background)_

 _RK and Wade run away screaming while being chased by the Scotsmen and the ISIS members simultaneously. The boys get shot at and hit with bagpipes. RK finds a truck filled with Miracle Whip mayonnaise and begins rubbing his chin._

RK: Wade, follow me in that truck! I have an idea.

 _RK and Wade run inside the truck and begin driving away from their attackers. Wade pulls a lever that releases a whole bunch of mayonnaise into the streets of the strange town, which engulfs the Scotsmen and ISIS members in the mayonnaise. RK and Wade end up driving the truck into a nearby ocean, but while the truck sinks upon entrance, RK and Wade are able to swim away and escape into a nearby underwater castle. They swim inside and end up being stared at by a number of fish._

RK: WHAT?! What are you looking at? Huh? I don't know what this hocus pocus, _Harry Potter_ , _Chronicles of Narnia_ shit world is, but my boy and I are sick and tired of this damn place and we want to go back home!

FISH: Then you have to speak to Mr. Gladney. He's the underwater manager of our society.

WADE: Well, where is this "underwater manager" you speak of?

RK: They really think we're dumb.

WADE: Right?

 _RK and Wade chuckle until they get trapped in a hook and pulled into Mr. Gladney's office by his great white shark security guard._

MR. GLADNEY: Have a seat, boys.

 _RK and Wade take a seat in front of Mr. Gladney's desk._

WADE: Can you explain to us what in God's name is going on here?

RK: Yeah, did we take acid or something?

MR. GLADNEY: Look, you're not on acid, but you're on LSD.

WADE: You're joking.

RK: When did we take that shit?!

MR. GLADNEY: Your friend Bitch Clock served you tainted fruit punch. He laced the juice with a special hallucinogenic drug that brought you to this multicultural post-apocalyptic society, where anything can happen.

WADE: When you say that, you make it sound like something that happens a lot.

MR. GLADNEY: It does. Bitch Clock has a lot of enemies, but I didn't know he had beef with a couple kids.

RK: We thought he killed our friends so we gave him a prison beating and tried to drown him.

MR. GLADNEY: Makes sense. Okay, I'm gonna get you boys out of here so you can kick that clock's ass, but I need to make sure you two are 100% focused in your goal, so I need to know right now: Do you like Frank Zappa?

 _RK and Wade look at each other with bewilderment._

RK: What the f*** kinda question is that?

MR. GLADNEY: Great. That confusion will serve you well.

 _Mr. Gladney takes out a copy of Frank Zappa's 1979 album Joe's Garage and holds it up._

MR. GLADNEY: Now stare into the album.

WADE: What?

MR. GLADNEY: STARE INTO IT, DAMN YOU!

 _RK and Wade stare into the album and after a few seconds, their eyes turn green._

MR. GLADNEY: Remember to beat the clock. Remember to beat the clock. Beat the clock, beat the clock, beat the clock, beat the clock, beat the clock...

 _At that point, Mr. Gladney's voice grows distant and the screen becomes completely white. Slowly, the whiteness fades out and there is a bird's eye view shot of RK and Wade waking up inside Sparky's attic/Bitch Clock's alcohol cellar._

RK: Wade?

WADE: Let's beat that clock.

RK: No, even better. Let's make him bleed.

SCENE 15

The MacDougal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

 _Bitch Clock is watching TV while drinking a beer when the TV gets turned off by Wade. RK stands near him, and the two slowly walk up to Bitch Clock._

BITCH CLOCK: What do you assholes want? How come you turned off the TV? Why aren't you saying anything?! Wait, I know what's going on here.

 _Cut to an exterior shot of Sparky's house. Eminem's Auto-Tune outro from "Bagpipes from Baghdad" plays in the background as Bitch Clock is heard screaming, presumably from RK and Wade assaulting him._

SCENE 16

Wrigley Global Innovation Center

Chicago, Illinois

 _"Hello (Segment #6)"_

 _The "Hello" instrumental plays briefly in the background as the camera shows an exterior shot of the Wrigley Company's global headquarters. Cut to a shot of William Wrigley Jr. II, the company's chairman, using his desktop computer when a fellow executive walks in._

CHAD: Hey, Will, um, me and the boys over in the Skittles department wanted you to check out our latest variation.

WILLIAM: It better be good.

CHAD: Okay, well, you know how the Food and Drug Administration has been pushing us to get more children addicted to drugs through our products?

WILLIAM: I'm getting bored by the second, Chad.

CHAD: Okay, well, for your approval, here is the latest Skittles variation set to ship out tomorrow: Skittles All-Stars.

 _Cut to a close-up of the orange pack of Skittles All-Stars._

CHAD: Now, you see, Will, kids love to eat candy around Halloween so that's the time period we're trying to target. See the orange pack? We have fruit punch in here, we have grape, blueberry, and apple. We also have lime. You know, making a comeback and whatnot. But the key here is in every piece, there is an undetectable chemical that has the same addictive qualities you can find in cocaine and heroin.

WILLIAM: Why is it called All-Stars?

CHAD: It's an arbitrary name.

WILLIAM: Love it. Generic is the key. Get those children high and stupid and we'll make millions. Now get out of my office.

 _Beat._

CHAD: What?

WILLIAM: Did you not hear me the first time? Get the f*** out of my office.

CHAD: Right.

 _Chad runs out of the office in fear._

SCENE 17

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Hallway

Seattle, Washington

 _Some time has passed since the initial office meeting and RK and Wade are walking through the hallway, witnessing several kids running around, shaking near their lockers, throwing up, and screaming._

WADE: Do you believe me now when I say those Skittles are poison?

RK: Damn, man, you're right. This whole time, I thought it was just exams but I think you're on to something.

WADE: It has to be. That's why Jaylynn had to stay home for the third day this week. Something's going on with that candy.

RK: Is it up to us to figure it out?

WADE: I don't see anyone else willing to do it.

 _At that point, Sanna runs to RK and grabs him by the collar._

SANNA: Where's my hit? I need the hit, RK! GIVE ME MY HIT, JENNINGS!

RK: Stay away from me, you crack fiend!

 _RK shoves Sanna away from him. Wade gives him an angry expression._

RK: I'm sorry, my inner Republican came out.

SCENE 18

Lucky Star Deli & Grocery

Seattle, Washington

 _After school, Wade analyzes the ingredients of the new Skittles while RK watches him._

RK: I hope the Feds aren't after us.

WADE: HA! Just as I suspected. One of the most prominent ingredients here is the same chemical they put in drugs like marijuana and crack. They're feeding kids drugs!

RK: Of course. First, the government tells us to just say no, now they're putting drugs in our candy?! Where does it end with these bastards?!

WADE: Okay, now, what we need to do is take this candy and expose its addictive qualities to the media. Then we can get the company shut down.

 _Cut to RK and Wade walking outside the corner store._

WADE: I'm telling you, RK, we're going to blow the doors off Wrigley. I can't believe they would do this to kids.

RK: I would. I'm just wondering why no other kids have noticed the ingredients in this stuff.

WADE: Dude, do you really think children would pay attention to the ingredients of candy?

RK: I would. I like reading stuff. That's why our generation is going to die early. Too much poison in the water supply.

 _RK and Wade leave the corner store when the camera pans over to a Wrigley executive standing near a tree._

WRIGLEY EXEC: Will, we have a problem. Someone uncovered Skittles All-Stars. _Beat._ I don't know, some black kid and his fat white friend. I'm pretty sure the black kid's the brains of the operation. He sounds like he does nothing but read shit all day. _Beat._ Yeah, I'm on it.

SCENE 19

The Saltalamacchia Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

 _That night, Wade is analyzing one of the Skittles using one of his inventions when three Wrigley executives walk in._

WADE: You boys looking for something?

WRIGLEY EXEC #1: Wade Saltalamacchia, we are aware of your discovery of our plans to indoctrinate children into the world of narcotics. We demand you cease your investigation immediately.

WADE: Absolutely not. Kids don't even know what they want to watch on TV when they wake up. Now you're trying to take away something that's near and dear to them so you can turn them into mindless zombies? It's unethical.

WRIGLEY EXEC #2: We're giving you the option right now. We're showing you mercy. End your investigation into our plans and you'll never see us again.

WADE: Forget it. I'm seeing this to the end.

WRIGLEY EXEC #1: You've forced our hand. Get the stun gun.

WADE: Wait, what?

 _Another Wrigley executive takes the stun gun and grabs Wade before he can run, then incapacitates him with the gun. Wade is then held by the other two executives while the third executive takes out a pack of All-Star Skittles, crushes them with a mini-blender, and feeds them to Wade. He continues crushing packs into smoothies for Wade to digest._

SCENE 20

The Saltalamacchia Household

Exterior Entrance

Seattle, Washington

 _The next morning, a large crowd of people has gathered near Wade's house. Wade is on a stretcher being taken to the hospital while breathing through a tube. RK and Adriana hold back tears as they stand near the ambulance with the rest of the kids. A female reporter is being filmed near the scene._

FEMALE REPORTER: An awful situation here in Seattle this morning as a local eight-year-old boy was found unresponsive by his friend and is now being taken to a local medical facility. More news to follow as we get updates on the event in question.

 _Cut to the Wrigley executives watching the news report on TV at the Space Needle Diner._

WRIGLEY EXEC #1: Will's going to be so proud of us. That kid knew too much.

WRIGLEY EXEC #2: Do you ever wonder if we've lost our sense of morals?

WRIGLEY EXEC #1: The fact that you're asking that question means that you still think there's room for morals in business.

WRIGLEY EXEC #2: Are we still going to see those chicks at the strip club later?

WRIGLEY EXEC #1: Why ask me that? Of course we are. It's my birthday, idiot.

SCENE 21

The MacDougal Household

Seattle, Washington

 _"Same Song & Dance (Segment #7)"_

 _The "Same Song & Dance" instrumental plays briefly in the background as the camera shows an exterior shot of Sparky's house at night. Sparky is shown sitting next to Buster watching TV._

BUSTER: I still can't believe Jaylynn and Halley are dead. Who could do this?

SPARKY: It's going to be okay, Buster. We'll get through it. We have to.

BUSTER: You know, you're really calm for someone who lost their pen pal and their girlfriend.

SPARKY: Well, I'm the leader. You have to show strength in the face of adversity or nothing will matter.

BUSTER: I wish one day, I become as strong as you.

SPARKY: Yeah, I have the will of a bodybuilder. Okay, I'm going upstairs to freshen up.

SCENE 22

The MacDougal Household

Interior Bedroom

Seattle, Washington

 _Sparky is talking to Bitch Clock about the murders._

BITCH CLOCK: You know, at some point, you have to tell Buster the truth.

SPARKY: He won't understand. You think I'm going to tell my best friend that I like murdering girls every October? Sure, he'll be okay with it.

BITCH CLOCK: How did you do it anyway?

SPARKY: You're sick. I'm not telling you anything.

BITCH CLOCK: Yeah, I'm the sicko when you killed your girlfriend and your old pen pal.

SPARKY: Alright, fine, here's the story.

SCENE 23

 _(The instrumental to "Same Song & Dance" plays in the background over Sparky's explanation, as a montage is shown of his previous murders, including the murders of Halley and Jaylynn.)_

 _SPARKY (V.O.): For as long as I could remember, I've just had this weird taste for killing girls right before Halloween. At first, it was simple stuff like poisoning a girl's milk or throwing them through tables so their necks cracked. Then it got more intricate. One night, I invited Jaylynn and Halley over for TV but I was setting the trap. I called Halley to the backyard and choked her out. I wanted Jaylynn to see, I wanted her to come out there so I could slice her head off like a machete because I'm a performer and I thrive off the energy of a captive audience. Then I called some French dudes to take care of the bodies._

 _BITCH CLOCK (V.O.): I didn't know thorough dudes came from France._

 _SPARKY (V.O.): Surprising, I know._

SCENE 24

The MacDougal Household

Interior Bedroom

Seattle, Washington

 _Dissolve into the present day._

SPARKY: I used to hate myself for what I did, but now, I love it. I'm just not ready to tell Buster yet.

BITCH CLOCK: Well, that boy couldn't catch a cold, so if he never catches on, I won't be surprised.

BUSTER: Guess again.

 _Sparky gasps when he sees an enraged Buster at the door._

SPARKY: Buster, you weren't supposed to hear that.

BUSTER: Yeah, I should have never heard the fact that my best friend is just a big disgusting killer?! How dare you?!

SPARKY: Yeah, how dare I? Now you know, and you know too much.

 _Sparky pulls out a gun and kills Buster instantly by shooting him in the chest._

SPARKY: Shoulda kept your mouth shut, you stupid son of a bitch.

BITCH CLOCK: Dude, what the hell?! You just put your best friend on a T-shirt!

SPARKY: Oh my God. What did I do? I really am disgusting.

 _Beat._

BITCH CLOCK: Are you going to call those French dudes now, or should I?

SCENE 25

The Jennings Household

Seattle, Washington

 _"We Made You (Segment #8)"_

 _The "We Made You" instrumental plays briefly over the background as the camera shows a shot of RK's house in the daytime. Cut to RK writing something down while the other kids gather around him._

WADE: So let me get this straight. You're writing a list of the top five celebrities you want dead?

RK: Yeah. And I'm almost done with it. Alright, here you go. The five celebrities that I think are the scum of the Earth.

BUSTER: Let me read it!

 _RK gives Buster his list._

BUSTER: Okay. Charlie Sheen, Roseanne Barr, Azealia Banks, Jackie Mason, and Lucy Hale.

RK: They're not in order by the way, just interchangeable pieces of shit.

SPARKY: I'm surprised you didn't have Mike Scully on your list.

RK: He was a dishonorable mention.

JAYLYNN: I wonder who I would put on my list. I hate most celebrities anyway. I guess I could start with Sean Penn.

WADE: Why would you have Sean Penn on your list?

JAYLYNN: Oh, no reason. I just think he's really ugly.

SCENE 26

The Jennings Household

Interior RK's Bedroom

Seattle, Washington

 _At night, RK is sleeping when he gets tapped by a scythe. He opens his eyes and screams when he sees Death standing before him._

DEATH: Don't be alarmed. It's just me, Death.

RK: That's exactly why I should be alarmed! What are you even doing here?!

DEATH: Well, I got a memo stating that an RK Jennings is dying and he was writing up his will.

RK: Whoever writes your memos should be fired. I just wrote up a list of the top five celebrities I want dead. See?

 _RK takes the list from his nightstand and gives it to Death._

DEATH: I like your initiative. Lucy Hale?

RK: It's really complicated. So, now that that's cleared up, could you please leave before I call the cops?

DEATH: Actually, kid, I think you could help me out. I usually have this period where I purge the world of the most depraved celebrities, but with all the paperwork I'm buried in, you could take the load off.

RK: You want me to take your place as Death and kill celebrities for you? That's sick, I'm not doing that!

DEATH: But you already have the list. You have the murderous spirit inside you, you can't fake that. Think of it as your chance to kill all the celebrities that make you sick.

RK: That list was just for fun. Besides, I really don't feel comfortable having the lives of an entire industry in my hands.

DEATH: I could just kill you right now and make it easier for you.

RK: Find me a child size version of that outfit and you have a deal.

SCENE 27

 _("We Made You" plays in the background)_

 _The next day, RK puts on his child size Death outfit and assumes Death's role, with the goal to murder as many celebrities as he can from the list Death gave him and his own handpicked list. He goes to the houses of several celebrities and kills them by grabbing them or lightly tapping them with his scythe. Some of RK's victims include Camila Cabello, Mark Wahlberg, Gene Simmons, every member of the Kardashian family, Gina Rodriguez, Ted Nugent, Megyn Kelly, and Jerry "The King" Lawler. As a favor to Jaylynn, RK makes a visit to Sean Penn's house and kills him as well._

SCENE 28

The Jennings Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

 _At night, RK comes back home and greets Buster and KG, who are watching TV._

RK: At ease, gents.

KG: I still can't believe Death picked you to kill a whole bunch of celebrities.

RK: Hey, I couldn't believe it either, but it's not all fun and games. I had to rid the world of people that actually had fans. Imagine all the 15-year-old white girls that are going to cry over Camila being dead. But I owed it to Wade, he's a good egg.

SCENE 29

The Jennings Household

Interior RK's Bedroom

Seattle, Washington

 _The next morning, Buster walks into RK's room and sees the Death outfit._

BUSTER: I guess Death never came for his stuff. Hey, if RK can kill a bunch of people he doesn't like, I can do it too! I have a dentist's appointment anyway.

 _Buster takes the cloak and scythe and runs out of the room._

SCENE 30

The Jennings Household

Seattle, Washington

 _"Medicine Ball (Segment #9)"_

 _The "Medicine Ball" instrumental plays briefly in the background as the camera shows an exterior shot of RK's house. Cut to a shot of KG watching TV when RK runs downstairs._

RK: KG, MY CLOAK! MY SCYTHE! THEY'RE GONE! WHO ROBBED ME?!

KG: It was probably Buster. I haven't gone in your room to steal money in years.

RK: Of course. He...wait, you used to steal my money? But seriously, when I catch him, he's going to wish it was Death coming for him after I'm through!

KG: You do realize that if you try attacking Buster, he can just kill you, right?

RK: It's a risk I'm willing to take. I'm not going to let the world be at Buster's mercy. But when I come back, we're going to talk about this stealing money thing because, um...I don't like that shit at all.

KG: I grew out of it!

SCENE 31

 _Buster leaves the dentist's office covered in blood, and raises his scythe towards anyone staring in his direction._

BUSTER: I really should have washed this off. Wait a minute. If I'm Death now, then I have the power to kill anybody I want! That gives me an idea.

 _A man accidentally walks into Buster's scythe, and ends up dead. Everyone sees the situation, but Buster simply walks away without saying or doing anything else._

SCENE 32

 _("Medicine Ball" plays in the background)_

 _Buster is driving his car in the bloody outfit while having an enraged look on his face. During his drive, flashbacks are shown of the events of "Welcome Home, Mr. Newman" that led to Buster living with RK, including an unseen incident of one of the tenants laughing at him as he leaves. Tears begin falling down Buster's face as he relives the memories, and when he arrives at the Westboro Complex, he slams the car door shut and carries the scythe over his shoulder with evil intentions. At that point, RK runs up to Buster and a record needle scratch effect is heard as Buster immediately loses his look of rage._

RK: Buster Carlisle Newman, you put that scythe down right now! You're just a boy. You have no idea how to control that kind of power!

BUSTER: How did you find me?

RK: Well, this is where things all went wrong. Plus, I was lucky as f***. Now, let's go home before Death comes to kill us both.

BUSTER: RK, you don't understand. When I first left my condo, one of those jerks just laughed at me because of the fire. He just laughed at me like that's the thing to do. Now, it's time to make him feel what I felt. I'm going to put him in my world.

RK: Did that really happen?

BUSTER: The way I remember it, yeah.

RK: Dude, you can't do this. You're getting too ahead of yourself with this suit. You're just killing innocent people for no reason, and that's not going to make you happy. Come on, man, please reconsider this.

 _Buster starts crying again._

BUSTER: Okay, man, I won't do it. Thanks for talking me down.

RK: Of course. You're my friend and I love you, man.

BUSTER: Bring it in, Jennings.

 _Buster and RK hug, but because Buster has Death's powers, RK immediately dies in his arms._

BUSTER: RK? RK, are you taking a nap? Oh, shit, I killed him.

 _At that point, Death emerges from the ground and witnesses the situation._

DEATH: Of course. You know, part of me knew no good could come from delegating the responsibility of killing a bunch of high-profile celebrities to a child, but if I knew this would happen, I would have just killed RK myself.

BUSTER: How did you find me?

DEATH: I'm Death!

BUSTER: Right. Can't you do some voodoo trick to bring him back to life? He didn't deserve this!

DEATH: Nope, not as long as the rules of death apply. But you? Caving in to your selfish desires, killing for the sense of personal satisfaction? Satan would be proud. Here's my business card.

 _Death gives Buster his business card. Buster begins to cry a third time and Death starts laughing at him._

DEATH: I just wanted to see the dumb look on your face! Alright, I'll bring him back. But just this one time.

 _Death zaps RK and brings him back to life._

RK: What happened? It was like I was falling into a pit of fire and then the theme song to _Sesame Street_ started playing.

DEATH: Forget about it. Now, if you excuse me, I'm going to take this outfit and go negotiate a deal to finally kill off Harvey Weinstein. It's taken months, but I'm on the verge of convincing the gods that he can make great slave labor in hell.

 _Death descends into the ground again._

RK: Were we supposed to learn something from all this?

BUSTER: Killing the people you hate doesn't solve your problems?

RK: No, I actually feel really good knowing that a _Pretty Little Liars_ reunion will never happen.

SCENE 33

The Jennings Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

 _"Paul (Segment #10)"_

 _OCTOBER 24, 2018 - 1:38 A.M. PST_

 _A shot of the Jennings' answering machine is shown. A house call ends up going to voicemail._

 _KG (V.O.): You've reached the Jennings and the Newman. Do your thing. Later._

 _*A beeping sound is heard.*_

 _PAUL ROSENBERG (V.O.): Yeah, guys, it's Paul Rosenberg. If you don't know, I'm Eminem's manager. Um, the network sent me an advance copy of your Halloween episode. Listen, I just watched the whole thing and...you gotta be f***ing kidding me. I mean, you're parodying my client's intellectual property and no one over there had half a brain to contact him? Or me, or Dre, or Jimmy? This is unacceptable, guys. I don't care who I have to talk to, it doesn't matter. If you don't get this episode pulled from the air, I'm getting it pulled myself and I'll sue you for everything you're worth. Happy Halloween, motherf***ers._

 _Paul is heard hanging up at that point. Cut to black._


	2. TYH Relapse Part II Script

_"THANK YOU, HEAVENLY'S RELAPSE (PART II)" • SEASON 7 • EPISODES 7 & 8_

SCENE 1

The Patterson Mansion

Spokane, Washington

 _"Stay Wide Awake (Segment #11)"_

 _The "Stay Wide Awake" instrumental plays briefly over an exterior shot of the mansion of billionaire Vladimir Patterson at night. Cut to the main five kids in the Patterson dining room dressed in fancy clothes._

RK: You know, I still have no idea why...

 _RK rolls up the sleeve of his shirt to reveal the rest of his dialogue written on his arm._

RK: ...billionaire Vladimir Patterson invited us all to his secluded mansion in Spokane.

 _RK rolls his sleeve back down._

RK: Did I say it right?

DIRECTOR: Yup.

RK: Alright, it took nine takes but I did it.

SPARKY: Maybe he brought us here because he's going to give us something special.

JAYLYNN: Like diamonds or rubies or faucets that spew out gold water.

WADE: I'm with RK. Doesn't it seem weird that of all the people Vladimir knows, and all the people that live in Seattle, we were the only ones chosen to come here?

BUSTER: Maybe he just really likes our personality.

WADE: No, I don't think that's it.

BUSTER: So, what, you're saying I have a shitty personality?

 _At that point, Vladimir walks into the room with his assistant Cornelius._

VLADIMIR: Great, you all made it. Now I'm going to have no problem finding the best of the best.

SPARKY: What are you talking about?

VLADIMIR: Well, the only reason you're attending this dinner party is because of my unprecedented offer. I want to find out who among you five has the killer's instinct. The last kid standing earns $5,000,000.

RK: Last kid standing? You want us to murder each other over money?!

JAYLYNN: Are you sick?!

VLADIMIR: No, I'm bored. Look, if human nature dictates that people will go to great lengths to achieve instant gratification, then so be it. And through my research of every person in Washington state, you five seem to have the most tight-knit bond I've ever seen. So, it's simple. I have money to piss away, and you have nothing to lose.

 _Vladimir leaves the room, but Cornelius stays behind._

CORNELIUS: You need to get out now. This can only end badly.

VLADIMIR: CORNELIUS!

CORNELIUS: Approaching your presence, sir.

 _Cornelius leaves and the kids give each other looks of confusion._

SCENE 2

The Patterson Mansion

Interior Boys' Bedroom

Seattle, Washington

 _The boys are talking to each other about the challenge Vladimir threw down._

SPARKY: I just can't believe Vladimir would put us in this position. Killing each other over money?!

WADE: I know, it's absolutely abhorrent. Even though it is five million dollars.

BUSTER: I still don't understand why no one fed us.

WADE: Wait. You're right, why did no one ever serve us dinner?

RK: Guys, he's just trying to con us. That's why Cornelius gave us the warning to leave.

SPARKY: Well, it's not like we can. It's going to be pouring all night and we still have to catch a bus back home without getting struck by lightning.

RK: Let's just go to sleep and figure out a plan tomorrow morning.

 _Sparky turns out the lights and goes to sleep, along with the other boys._

SCENE 3

The Patterson Mansion

Interior Boys' Bedroom

Seattle, Washington

 _At 2:24 AM, RK is sleeping when he feels something on his arm. He wakes up and sees Jaylynn attempting to kill RK by slicing his arm off with a knife. He starts screaming which makes Jaylynn scream, then Sparky turns on the lights after hearing them screaming, and screams at the sight of Jaylynn, along with Buster and Wade._

RK: WHAT THE HELL IS THE MATTER WITH YOU?!

JAYLYNN: Why did you wake up? You weren't supposed to wake up!

RK: Oh, so me being knocked out was part of your master plan?!

SPARKY: Jaylynn, why do you have that knife?!

JAYLYNN: I was gonna kill RK, make Vladimir think you all died and then split the prize money with you guys.

RK: WHY KILL ME?!

JAYLYNN: Because you're the most irritating, and I figured you were planning to kill one of us so I had to take care of you before anything could happen.

RK: I wasn't planning shit! Until now!

JAYLYNN: I knew it.

 _RK pulls his gun out and shoots Jaylynn in the arm._

JAYLYNN: GAH! You jackass!

RK: And you. All of you boys were in on it. I knew somebody would try and kill me one day, but I didn't think it would be my friends!

SPARKY: We weren't in on anything. You're just being paranoid.

RK: I'm being paranoid?! JAYLYNN WAS ABOUT TO CUT MY ARM OFF!

JAYLYNN: Why are you screaming like it's a slug? It's only the hawk.

RK: Don't reference shit like you're about that life. I'm outta here. But just know that everybody here is a suspect. And I'm watching all of you.

 _RK leaves the room at that point with his gun._

SCENE 4

The Patterson Mansion

Interior Boys Bedroom

Seattle, Washington

 _The other kids are coming up with a plan. At this point, Jaylynn's arm is wrapped in bandages._

SPARKY: Okay, now that RK's on a mission to kill us, we need a plan.

BUSTER: How do we know we can trust Jaylynn?

JAYLYNN: I'm right here!

BUSTER: Wait, you could hear that?

JAYLYNN: I got shot, I'm not deaf. And what do you think I'm gonna do to you?

BUSTER: You still have the knife. We can't have you on our team.

JAYLYNN: Buster, I'm not going to kill you or anyone else in this room.

BUSTER: Okay, we're good.

SCENE 5

 _(The "Stay Wide Awake" instrumental plays in the background)_

 _The four kids leave the room and look for RK in the hallway. Jaylynn is still holding her knife for protection. The kids momentarily stop and do not see RK dive from the ceiling. He lands on Sparky and narrowly avoids Jaylynn's attempt to stab him by rolling out of the way. RK tries to shoot Jaylynn and Buster, but misses both times. Buster tackles RK to the ground and the two wrestle for the gun. The boys roll around the floor and eventually crash down the stairs. From the looks of it, RK is dead while Buster avoided a tragic landing._

BUSTER: We did it! We killed him!

WADE: Okay, now that that's over...

 _At that point, Jaylynn stabs Wade in the gut, along with Sparky._

BUSTER: NOOOOOOOO!

JAYLYNN: What? For all I know, you guys could have been running your own scheme.

 _"Stay Wide Awake" plays again as Buster runs upstairs in an attempt to confront Jaylynn. Jaylynn challenges him by running downstairs, and Buster tries to save himself by tossing RK's body in front of her. Buster grabs the knife in the confusion and runs towards Jaylynn, but he ends up getting shot in the head._

JAYLYNN: YES! THE MONEY'S MINE!

 _RK miraculously emerges from behind, overpowers a shocked Jaylynn for the gun and shoots her to death. He smiles, but then gasps as Vladimir shoots him to death._

VLADIMIR: The things street urchins will do for money .

CORNELIUS: You're disgusting, sir.

VLADIMIR: Duly noted.

SCENE 6

iCarly Elementary School

Seattle, Washington

 _"Old Time's Sake (Segment #12)"_

 _The "Old Time's Sake" instrumental plays briefly in the background as the camera shows an exterior afternoon shot of the school. Cut to inside the school where the kids are near their lockers planning for Halloween._

SPARKY: Alright, so I'm going to need to know what everyone's going as by Friday.

BUSTER: Don't worry about me, buddy. I'm going to be Black Panther. _*imitating Killmonger*_ Is _this_ your king?!

RK: Um, Buster, Killmonger says that, not the Black Panther.

BUSTER: Does it matter? It's still the same movie.

 _At that point, Sanna and Ashley walk by._

SANNA: Hey guys. What are you doing for Halloween?

WADE: We're going trick-or-treating. It's our first one with Jaylynn.

JAYLYNN: I'm going as a big white sock.

SANNA: Oh, cool. A friend of mine's hosting a Halloween party and me and Ashley have an invite.

RK: What, are you challenging us? We're picking up free candy, what's wrong with that?

SANNA: Oh, nothing. It's just that trick-or-treating is so lame now. I don't care about it anymore.

ASHLEY: Don't listen to Sanna, guys. Do whatever you want.

SANNA: Did I say they can't go trick-or-treating?

ASHLEY: No, but obviously, they can see you looking down on them for doing it.

SANNA: Who asked you?

ASHLEY: I asked myself, how about that?

SANNA: Well, you need to stop assuming you know me when you don't know me.

ASHLEY: I know you better than you know yourself, you bum.

SANNA: Oh, really?

ASHLEY: Yeah, really.

SANNA: Oh, really now?!

 _At that point, the kids look at each other with bored expressions and leave._

ASHLEY: You're such a child.

SANNA: That's because I am a child. And you are too, you big lame.

ASHLEY: Stop being mean to me.

SANNA: I'll be mean to you if I wanna, sis.

SCENE 7

The MacDougal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

 _Later that day, the kids are watching TV._

SPARKY: Guys, do you think Sanna was right about trick-or-treating?

JAYLYNN: Sanna hates everything. Who cares?

SPARKY: Yeah, but maybe she's right. I mean, we've been trick-or-treating for a long time and maybe we've just outgrown it.

WADE: We've gone to Halloween parties before. There's nothing wrong with a little balance.

RK: Wade's right. Sparky, you can't let Sanna play with your head. That's why kids grow up too fast. They start thinking normal kid stuff sucks. Then they get into drugs, start stealing cars, and before you know it, they're smoking crack and eating Pop Rocks off a grill outside Dunkin Donuts.

SPARKY: Buster, I'm really sorry you have to live with this every day.

BUSTER: I'm not. I love how his mind works.

JAYLYNN: Look, whatever's not the cool thing to do, people are going to shit on it. That's just the way the world works. I've been waiting months to go trick-or-treating with you guys, and I'm not getting that taken away from me by some spoiled, upper-class princess!

SPARKY: You know what? You guys are right. In fact, in order to make an even bigger statement, why don't we go trick-or-treating the old-school way?

WADE: You mean, dress up like famous people that defined the particular year?

SPARKY: Exactly. We're going to take it all the way back.

JAYLYNN: That sounds awesomesauce, but I already paid for the sock costume and I can't return it.

RK: Were you high when you came up with that idea?

JAYLYNN: Yeah, and whatever drugs you take every day, I already gave them back so shut up.

SCENE 8

Seattle, Washington

 _("Old Time's Sake" plays over the noise of the streets on Halloween night and the kids walking around. Sparky is dressed as A.J. Styles with a replica WWE Championship belt, Buster is dressed as Aretha Franklin, RK is dressed as Pickle Rick, Jaylynn is dressed as a big white sock, and Wade is dressed as Black Panther.)_

JAYLYNN: Man, this city really comes alive on Halloween.

SPARKY: Buster, I don't get it. Why didn't you just wear your Black Panther costume?

BUSTER: I was going to, but then Wade tried it on and he looked way better in it than I did. Then I thought, "Aretha" and the rest was history.

RK: I can't get over how stupid you look, Jaylynn.

JAYLYNN: I could say the same for you. Besides, Pickle Rick was popular last year, dummy. You didn't even get your own concept right!

RK: It overlapped into this year, you jackass! It's not like I decided to be a big bottle of Szechuan sauce!

WADE: It will never truly feel like it did back then, no matter how much we try.

 _The kids pass by a dark alley near an apartment building._

TALKING DUMPSTER: Pssst. Buster? Come here, Buster!

BUSTER: Wait, is that...the Talking Dumpster?

SPARKY: Buster, what's going on?

BUSTER: I think the Talking Dumpster called me over to the alley.

RK: Dude, don't fall for that. Let your guard down and it's just some creep trying to touch you in your no-no place.

 _Wade and Jaylynn give RK annoyed looks._

RK: What? It happened to KG when he was nine!

BUSTER: Don't worry about me. I can handle this guy.

 _Buster walks into the alley and stands across from the Talking Dumpster._

BUSTER: Um, hey, Talking Dumpster. Aren't you supposed to be dead?

TALKING DUMPSTER: I was rebuilt by people who care about me. I need you to come closer.

BUSTER: Okay?

 _Buster walks a bit closer._

TALKING DUMPSTER: Yeah, that will do.

 _Out of nowhere, large mechanical hands emerge from the Talking Dumpster to shake Buster, who starts screaming._

TALKING DUMPSTER: You little bitch! How could you shoot me?! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE MY FRIEND!

BUSTER: LORD, SAVE ME! GET ME AN ADULT!

 _RK shoots one of the Dumpster's arms, which releases Buster, but the bullet hole instantly heals._

RK: Okay, not gonna lie, that was some slick shit right there.

SPARKY: What do you want with my best friend, you stupid science experiment?!

TALKING DUMPSTER: I used to spend my days giving Buster advice, until he shot and killed me! Now, I'm back, and I'm not leaving Buster alone until I get what I want from him!

JAYLYNN: What the f*** is going on here? How can that dumpster talk?!

BUSTER: I got this. So, Talking Dumpster, some girl at school said trick-or-treating was lame. Do you think it's time for us to stop doing it?

TALKING DUMPSTER: Look, Buster, even though you're growing up, you have to remember that some things are sacred. Nothing is more important than a dad's relationship with his son. So you need to decide what matters to you: Going to see the Mariners with your pops, or going to the movies with some girl you'll never see again.

BUSTER: Thank you for the advice, Talking Dumpster. That was very insightful, I'm shaking.

TALKING DUMPSTER: That's all I ever wanted to hear.

 _Beat._

JAYLYNN: Was this f*** shit supposed to be funny?

BUSTER: At one point, yeah.

SCENE 9

The Jennings Household

Seattle, Washington

 _"Must Be the Ganja (Segment #13)"_

 _The "Must Be the Ganja" instrumental plays briefly in the background as the camera shows an exterior afternoon shot of RK's house. Cut to inside the house where KG and Rodney are watching TV._

RODNEY: KG, are you sure it was a good idea to have Trevor pick up the weed?

KG: Probably not, but he was the only one who wanted to get it. Were you going to pick it up?

RODNEY: No, I like sitting here on the couch.

KG: Well, there you go.

 _At that point, Trevor walks in with Zig Zag rolling papers and a large bag of orange weed._

TREVOR: Alright, guys, you ready to smoke some pot?

KG: Trevor, what the hell is that? We ordered Alabama bluegrass.

TREVOR: And that's what I picked up. But as I was walking home, this other dealer came up to me and offered me this Halloween weed in a trade.

RODNEY: Halloween weed?!

TREVOR: Yeah, he said it had the same taste, smell, and punglaxity of Halloween candy.

RODNEY: Dude, punglaxity isn't even a word.

TREVOR: When you're a drug dealer, you need to have a big vocabulary.

KG: You idiot, how much sense does it take to follow simple instructions?

TREVOR: KG, the guy was wearing a ripped up leather jacket and smelled like tobacco. Of course, I'm going to trust him. Besides, were you going to pick up the weed?

KG: No, I like sitting here on the couch.

TREVOR: Well, there you go.

SCENE 10

The Jennings Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

 _The boys have started smoking the Halloween weed and a cloud of smoke appears over the room while the boys are sitting on the floor near the front door with orange eyes._

KG: Trevor, I'm sorry, man, this weed is...thi-this weed is...this weed is weed, man.

TREVOR: Thank you. One day, you boys are gonna respect my ideas. And if you don't, I'll beat you.

RODNEY: Hey, you guys, I heard this song the other day by these hip hop rappers. They were talking about smoking one blunt in a group, but they would take two pulls and pass it around. How come we never do that shit?

KG: Because, man, that shit is for broke boys who ain't got no money.

TREVOR: Yeah, Ricky. We have white privilege, we don't need to do that shit.

RODNEY: My name isn't Rodney, it's Ricky. Mr. Rick if you're nasty.

TREVOR: What?

RODNEY: What?

TREVOR: Denise is hot.

KG: What?

TREVOR: Dude, no offense, I didn't want to say this, but Denise is the hottest girl in school. If I was that kind of man, IF I WAS THAT KIND OF MAN...I would make out with her.

KG: You what?! You slept with my girl?! MAN, I'LL KILL YOU! I'LL BREAK YOUR FACE AND MAKE YOU LOOK LIKE THE MICHAEL JACKSON JACKETS...WITH ALL THEM ZIPPERS!

 _KG grabs Trevor in an attempt to choke him, but Rodney pulls them apart._

RODNEY: K, easy, K, easy. Look at me, man. Look at me when I'm looking at you, boy. Are you looking at me?

KG: Duh.

RODNEY: Alright, well, you see that face? You see Trevor's face? That face could be doing shit with Calvin Klein. You want to hurt your friend's chances at a national ad campaign over a chick?!

KG: No. No, I'm sorry, Trev. I don't want to hurt your chances. I can't...I can't get rid of your good looks.

TREVOR: Word to, God. That's some real spit, word to mother. You know, I would never kiss Denise. Ever. She's gross, man. I like 'em...I like 'em real thick and gooey, you know what I mean?

 _Beat._

KG: Are you saying my girl doesn't have a fat ass?

SCENE 11

The Jennings Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

 _Later on, KG is talking to Rodney._

KG: Rod? Rodney? Uncle Ricky?

RODNEY: What is it, son?

KG: I think Trevor's trying to kill me.

RODNEY: What? That's prepost...prepopa...that's crazy, my man.

KG: No, it makes sense. The wrong weed, him talking about Denise. He wants to kill me...so he can have Denise all to himself.

RODNEY: You're crazy for this one, K. Trevor's a bitch, he won't do anything.

TREVOR: HEY! Why are you guys talking about me like I'm not here? Wait, am I not here? Oh no, I'm not here!

KG: Spill the beans, Trevor. You're trying to kill me and get with Denise. I see it in your eyes, all two of them.

TREVOR: What? Are you high, white man?

KG: Yeah.

TREVOR: Well, I am too, and there's no way I can kill you.

KG: Really? Oh yeah, right. You're soft, man, you could never kill me.

TREVOR: Oh?

KG: Yeah, you don't have the balls to do it. I dare you, I challenge you to give me the goods!

TREVOR: Oh yeah? Well, man, if I couldn't kill you, how come I can make serial killers show up with my mind?

KG: Wait, what? No. Don't do it!

 _Through KG's point of view, famous serial killers such as Jack the Ripper, Ted Bundy, Jeffrey Dahmer, and the Son of Sam appear by Trevor's side, encouraging him to kill KG as if the two were in a boxing match._

TED BUNDY: Knock him out, champ! One round!

TREVOR: Teddy said knock you out!

KG: NO, HE DIDN'T, YOU BITCH!

 _KG screams as he and Trevor run towards each other and start wrestling on the floor while making incomprehensible grumbling noises. Rodney scratches his head and snaps his fingers._

RODNEY: I WANT IN!

 _Rodney jumps on the two boys and pretty soon, the fight becomes a three-way full of wrestling and grumbling. At that point, RK walks in with groceries._

RK: Hey KG, Buster and I got some DiGiorno's today.

 _RK realizes what he sees in front of him and sighs._

RK: Buster, get back in the car. He's high again.

 _RK closes the door and the three-way fight continues._

SCENE 12

The Saltalamacchia Household

Seattle, Washington

 _"Déjà Vu (Segment #14)"_

 _The "Déjà Vu" instrumental plays briefly in the background as the camera shows an exterior afternoon shot of Wade's house. Cut to inside Wade's bedroom where he, RK, and Buster are standing in front of the time machine._

BUSTER: I can't believe we're about to go back in time to the greatest Halloween ever.

RK: We have to, man. That night turned us from boys to men. It's too bad Sparky couldn't be there for it.

BUSTER: Yeah, but didn't he have really aggressive diarrhea?

RK: No, it was a throat infection.

BUSTER: It could have always been both.

WADE: Alright, I put the coordinates in. Let's get into it.

 _RK and Buster follow Wade into the machine, and when he turns it on, they are transported to a previous Halloween._

WADE: Alright, we're back!

RK: Wait a minute, Wade. If we're going to relive this Halloween, aren't we messing with the timeline?

WADE: I don't think that's gonna be a problem.

 _Cut to the boys from the past walking by a dark alley._

FUTURE BUSTER: Hey guys, you want your picture taken?

PAST RK: It's a pedophile, keep it moving.

FUTURE WADE: Oh, you're taking this picture.

 _The past Buster, RK, and Wade get pulled into the alley by the future Buster, RK, and Wade. An unseen fight ensues which causes several cats to run away from the alley. By the end of the fight, future Buster, RK, and Wade are wearing their past Halloween costumes._

RK: Alright, let's go have some candy.

SCENE 13

The Jennings Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

 _The boys are going through their massive pile of candy._

WADE: Enough candy to last a whole three months, guys.

RK: You know what? Why do we have to go back?

WADE: What do you mean?

RK: Well, we have a lot to be proud of with this memory. Why don't we just stay here one more day?

WADE: Wait, are you serious?

RK: Yeah, why not? Another day means another chance for candy, which means we can stay.

BUSTER: He's right. Why go back where everything's shit instead of staying here and enjoying ourselves a little more?

WADE: Well, we did assault our past selves and steal their identities. That might do something to the timeline.

RK: What exactly? We replaced us with us.

 _Beat._

WADE: Alright, we can stay a bit longer.

SCENE 14

 _("Déjà Vu" plays in the background)_

 _The boys have decided to stay in the past and continue reliving the greatest Halloween ever, with Wade altering the time flow to put him, RK, and Buster in a loop. Every day, they wake up, make plans with Sparky, watch a football game between the Dallas Cowboys and Tampa Bay Buccaneers, and then go trick-or-treating. For the first couple days, the boys are having fun and enjoying the large amount of candy. However, as time goes on, they start to get bored and become miserable. At one point, RK's left eye begins to twitch when he sees the Cowboys and Buccaneers play. At night, the boys aren't even touching their candy anymore._

WADE: Guys, what did we do? We effectively sabotaged the greatest Halloween ever.

RK: I'm starting to think this whole thing is my fault.

BUSTER: You're starting to?!

WADE: Hey, Buster, easy. We have an obvious solution to the problem. All we have to do is just go back to the future and be done with it.

RK: Yeah, yeah, I like that idea.

BUSTER: You said something very insightful there.

 _Wade tries to work his time travel remote, but none of the buttons do anything._

WADE: Well, this is peculiar.

BUSTER: Don't worry, you just need fresh batteries. I'll go to Walgreens and pick them up.

WADE: No, Buster, I don't think this is a battery problem. I think we're stuck in a loop.

BUSTER: A loop?

RK: Wade, how come we still haven't left this world of hell yet?

WADE: Because when we went back in time and decided to stay here, we created a situation where the day continues to be Halloween. But now, the time flow's disrupted, and we're in an endless cycle of the same day.

RK: No, no, no! This can't happen, Wade. If I hear one more time about the damn Cowboys and Buccaneers, I'm going to scream.

 _Cut to the next day, where the boys are watching TV._

BUSTER: I don't know what to watch.

SPARKY: We'll watch the game. It's the Cowboys and Buccaneers.

 _RK screams and runs out of the room._

SCENE 15

 _Buster, RK, and Wade are walking around the neighborhood in their costumes again._

RK: Guys, I'm starting to think that we have no choice. We need to kill ourselves.

WADE: Did they put something in the candy you ate?

RK: Look, there's no other way. If we go out on our own terms, we break the loop and we never have to worry about be...

 _At that point, the three boys are assaulted in the dark alley. The past versions of the boys leave the alley in their original costumes. Cut to RK waking up at lunch and screaming while the other kids look at him with shock._

WADE: Dude, are you okay?

RK: No. You know that idea you had to go back in time to the greatest Halloween ever?

WADE: Yeah?

RK: Let's not do that...ever.

SCENE 16

Karen Horney Elementary School

Seattle, Washington

 _"Beautiful (Segment #15)"_

 _The opening line of "Beautiful," from the sampled hook of "Reaching Out" by Queen and Paul Rodgers, plays in the background as the camera shows an exterior afternoon shot of the school. Cut to inside the school where Adriana and Anna are at their lockers._

ADRIANA: I really hope we both got invited to Cole's Halloween party.

ANNA: Are you kidding? Of course we did. Cole's had his eye on you for months.

ADRIANA: Like I care about that. He knows my heart belongs to Wade.

ANNA: Well, there's only one way to find out if we're going. Ready?

ADRIANA: Ready.

 _Adriana and Anna open their lockers at the same time. Adriana finds a gold envelope on top of her books._

ADRIANA: It's gold and it has Cole's name on it. Yes, I'm going!

ANNA: Well, it doesn't look like I am.

ADRIANA: What? You can't find your invitation?

ANNA: No, because I never got an invitation.

ADRIANA: There's obviously a mistake. Maybe your invite got lost in the mail.

ANNA: How could it get lost in the mail when he stuffed them all in our lockers?

ADRIANA: Because it's an extra special invitation?

ANNA: Just forget it. I guess I'm not cool enough to come.

ADRIANA: You're crazy, Anna, you're the coolest person I know. Cole probably forgot to give you an invite.

ANNA: Yeah, sure. I'm going to class. See you at lunch.

 _Anna leaves her locker and Adriana looks down on her invite._

ADRIANA: I'll get to the bottom of this, Anna! I'm not afraid to kick a boy's ass for you!

SCENE 17

The Revia Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

 _Later that day, Anna is talking to RK about what happened at school._

RK: Wait, so you're not doing anything for Halloween?

ANNA: No. And why should I? Halloween is just an excuse for kids to eat more candy than they usually do.

RK: Anna, you need to overcome this. Cole is just...Cole. He's a punk. A whiny, bratty, disgusting little punk bitch with bad taste.

ANNA: You don't know Cole at all.

RK: He made you feel like crap. I don't have to know him. Just because you didn't get invited, doesn't mean you're not cool.

ANNA: Yeah, right. I should've seen this coming. Adriana's always been cooler than me. The popular one, the funny one, the pretty one. I'm just the average one.

RK: But you're not average. You're ahead of your time. You're so ahead of your time, your parents haven't met yet. You can do everything Adriana can do and more. Just because one idiot doesn't see how great you are, doesn't mean that's all you'll ever be.

ANNA: Thanks RK. You always know how to make me feel better.

RK: Hey, I'll do whatever it takes to cheer up my heart and soul. Now, where does this Cole guy live? I think it's time for a good old-fashioned man-to-man. And then a beating to catch him off guard.

ANNA: No, you can't do that! If you go after him, people will think I sent you and I'll be even more uncool.

RK: Yeah, you're right. I just hate seeing you like this. How come the world can't look at you through my eyes?

ANNA: Because...people suck?

RK: It's true, but it doesn't make it any less painful.

SCENE 18

The Revia Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

 _On Halloween night, Anna is inside eating candy and wearing an orange bathrobe when she gets a text. She looks at her phone and gets a confused expression._

ANNA: Huh? "Anna, I know you said you didn't care if I went to Cole's party, but it wasn't the same without you so I left early. Don't let him get to you. You're strong, you take action when you feel something isn't right, and you don't pretend to be anything that you're not. God gave you some beautiful shoes that always fit you, so wear them with pride and remember in my eyes, you're the coolest person in the world."

 _Anna begins crying and starts to call Adriana._

ANNA: Adi, I got your text. That was so sweet. Wait, you're coming over to spend the night? That's awesome, I'll go change.

 _Anna leaves the couch and runs upstairs to go change._

SCENE 19

Karen Horney Elementary School

Interior Lunchroom

Seattle, Washington

 _The next day, Adriana and Anna are eating lunch together._

ADRIANA: So how are you feeling now?

ANNA: A lot better. When Cole didn't give me an invitation, I felt like shit, like there was something wrong with me. But thanks to you and RK, I don't have to worry about it anymore. He did me a favor not inviting me.

ADRIANA: So how are we going to get revenge on Cole?

ANNA: Adriana, please. We are mature, sophisticated girls. We don't have to come up with some lame prank just to make me feel better.

ADRIANA: I'm proud of you, Anna. That's what I like about you. You're always taking the high road.

ANNA: Yup, especially when I already set up a prank.

ADRIANA: You did?! What is it?!

 _Cut to Cole opening up his bag lunch and finding a bunch of worms inside._

COLE: AAH! THERE'S WORMS ALL OVER MY LUNCH!

 _Cole runs in fear and screams as he leaves the cafeteria._

ANNA: Don't ask me how, I just have skills.

 _Adriana and Anna high-five each other and laugh._

SCENE 20

Clay's Household

Seattle, Washington

 _"Elevator (Segment #16)"_

 _The instrumental to "Elevator" begins playing over an exterior afternoon shot of an unidentified house. Cut to Jaylynn and Anja crawling through an open window on the side of the house and seeing a gold elevator in the living room. The elevator opens and an old man pushes both of them down. Cut to the girls pacing around in a basement._

 _*to the tune of the hook for "Elevator"*_ JAYLYNN AND ANJA: There once was a story of a man named Clay/He had a plan to get his way/He used to charm kids who were curious to see his place/And kept the window open for 'em to play/Any kids, he would have them, we just laughed at 'em/How could that happen to us? We couldn't fathom/Fast forward to a couple bad moves later/Now the old man's got us through his gold elevator.

JAYLYNN: Anja, this is crazy, man! We're down here forever!

ANJA: Please, Anja's going to let this man win? Never!

JAYLYNN: Why the hell you spitting rhymes in the third person?

ANJA: To make the story dope, now could you cool it with the cursing? We need to find a way to leave this old man's basement.

JAYLYNN: We're never getting out, I think it's time for us to face it. I've never had a first date or got to raise babies!

 _Anja slaps Jaylynn and begins shaking her._

ANJA: Calm down, time to be a strong freaking lady!

JAYLYNN: I'm gonna beat up Clay and have his ass thrown in jail! Get the key melted down, take away his chance for bail!

ANJA: Stop! No need for any criminal offense! That's nonsense, when it comes to that, I'm on the fence!

JAYLYNN: Well, we have to do something. The elevator's broken.

ANJA: Plus, the door's locked and the window's no longer open.

JAYLYNN: The boys don't even know I'm here, now our problem's bigger!

ANJA: If we don't make it out alive, Lynne will have no sister!

JAYLYNN: Relax, it will teach her how to make it on her own.

ANJA: I love you, but it's time for me to snatch the microphone! Now, what to do, what to do? That guy's gonna kill us!

JAYLYNN: When we're younger and we're smarter and our rhymes are the illest?

ANJA: What's your point, Jay?

JAYLYNN: We're going to live another day! Once that door opens up, we're going to give the beats to Clay!

ANJA: I like your style.

JAYLYNN: And I like yours, let's be honest! The two of us together, it's like a warrior and an artist.

 _The basement door begins to open up, and Clay reveals himself._

CLAY: Now, it's time for me to claim two more victims!

ANJA: You'll never get a hold of us!

JAYLYNN: Anja, let's sick 'em!

 _At that point, the turntables are heard scratching "Anja, let's sick 'em!" over and over as the girls go after Clay and kick him down the stairs. Unsure if Clay's dead, Jaylynn takes his gun, runs downstairs, and shoots him multiple times._

JAYLYNN: I shot him to his death!

ANJA: He won't breathe another breath, now that Clay's deep inside the grave, tell me, what's left?

JAYLYNN: We get the hell up out of here!

ANJA: And never look back?

JAYLYNN: That's right!

JAYLYNN AND ANJA: Bring the hook back, we're finished with our rap!

 _Jaylynn and Anja high five each other, run out of the basement, lock the door, and leave the house while performing the hook again. Anja hands Jaylynn a book of matches, Jaylynn strikes one, and it ends up causing Clay's house to catch on fire, presumably burning his corpse in the basement._

 _*singing*_ JAYLYNN AND ANJA: There once was a story of a man named Clay/He had a plan to get his way/He used to charm kids who were curious to see his place/And left the window open for 'em to play/Any kids, he would have them, we just laughed at 'em/How could that happen to us? We couldn't fathom/Now we're much wiser, our brains much greater/So kids, stay away from the gold elevator.

ANJA: Peace!

JAYLYNN: No, no, dude, you just ruined it.

ANJA: Sorry.

 _Cut to black._

SCENE 21

The Network Headquarters

Interior Steve Berman's Office

Los Angeles, California

 _"Steve Berman (Segment #17)"_

 _OCTOBER 26, 2018 - 1:30 P.M. PST_

 _Steve Berman is watching a rerun of "12 Angry Kids" on his laptop when his phone starts ringing._

STEVE BERMAN: Hello?

RECEPTIONIST: I have the kids from _Thank You, Heavenly_ here to see you.

STEVE BERMAN: About f***ing time. Send them in.

 _Steve hangs up and pauses the episode. The kids walk in at that point and they are visibly nervous._

RK: Hey Steve. Long time, no see.

STEVE BERMAN: Why is it you that always has to talk? Can't one of these other kids do it?

SPARKY: We just wanted to know how you've been.

STEVE BERMAN: I'm okay. You know, despite the fact that your new season started airing a month ago, and nobody from your crew's even tried to contact me until now. Do you know how that makes me feel? Having to put out your product and nobody cares enough to talk to me about it?

 _*under her breath*_ JAYLYNN: Maybe if you weren't creative poison.

STEVE BERMAN: What was that?

JAYLYNN: Yeah, I said it. Creative poison.

SPARKY: Anyway, we're sorry nobody consulted you, but we're just the actors. You would have to talk to the producers or the writers or something.

 _Beat._

STEVE BERMAN: Why the f*** are you still here?

WADE: Well, our Halloween episode is coming out this Sunday. We just got the final cut of it and we wanted to see what you thought of it.

STEVE BERMAN: Do I really need to watch this? Let me guess, another episode where RK and Wade go on some stupid sci-fi adventure that makes absolutely no sense. Or maybe one where Jaylynn has a crush on her best friend. What else? Buster says something stupid, Sparky rambles about his dead grandfather, and then you throw in a pointless Cimorelli reference just to piss people off. Is that it? Am I in the ballpark now?

RK: It's nothing like that. We're doing stories based off Eminem's _Relapse_ album.

STEVE BERMAN: Of course. When you run out of ideas and you've been on the air longer than anyone can stand you, the next best thing is to copy the work of someone with much more talent than you.

BUSTER: Hey, that's a cheap shot. It's not like we're parodying _Revival_.

STEVE BERMAN: And you want to talk to me about cheap shots. Look, just give me the cut and I'll email the producers my notes. Bunch of spoiled kids who got famous off bootleg _Family Guy_ episodes.

SPARKY: But the show's not even like that anymore.

STEVE BERMAN: Yeah, sure, be a puppet for the creative hacks that control you. Just give me the damn episode and get out of my sight.

WADE: Alright, alright, here, it's not that serious.

 _Wade gives Steve two tapes, one containing part one of "Thank You, Heavenly's Relapse" and the other containing part two._

STEVE BERMAN: What's going on here? _Two_ episodes?!

JAYLYNN: Yes, you idiot, it's a one-hour special. We've been doing two Halloween episodes for a while now, are you new?

STEVE BERMAN: Just get the f*** out of my office.

SPARKY: Alright, sorry to bother you.

BUSTER: Now I know why we never come to his Christmas parties.

 _The kids leave the office and close the door. Jaylynn reopens the door and deliberately smashes one of Steve's snowglobes on the floor._

SCENE 22

iCarly Elementary School

Seattle, Washington

 _"Underground (Segment #18)"_

 _The "Underground" instrumental plays briefly over an exterior afternoon shot of the school. Cut to inside the school where the kids are eating lunch._

SPARKY: Well, tonight's the night, guys.

RK: Tonight's the night? What are you talking about? Why am I always the last person to know about things? I hate my life.

JAYLYNN: He's talking about the Underground Monster.

RK: The Underground Monster? Yeah, and later on, I'm playing mini golf with the Incredible Hulk.

WADE: It's true. You see, RK, every five thousand years, legend has it that a mysterious creature known as the Underground Monster emerges and destroys whatever comes in contact with it.

RK: Are you guys just playing around with me?

BUSTER: No, it's true. The rumors are that the monster is going to be spotted at Ken Griffey, Jr. Park tonight.

RK: Oh yeah, because there's nothing more bulletproof than rumors.

JAYLYNN: You're probably just upset because you know you couldn't catch it in action.

WADE: And we're off.

RK: You don't think I can see a mythical creature that nobody has ever actually seen? Is that what you think?

JAYLYNN: Yeah, that's why I said it. You need to start listening to what I have to say more.

RK: You know what? I take that as a challenge.

WADE: It's already heating up here in Seattle.

RK: Tonight, I'm going to go to the park and catch the Underground Monster with my own eyes. And when it doesn't come, you guys have to admit that it's just some stupid schoolyard story.

SPARKY: But if it does come, you're gonna die! You'll be putting your life at risk, man.

RK: I'm not afraid of a challenge. Especially when Jaylynn throws it down.

JAYLYNN: Ugh, you're so obsessed with me.

BUSTER: Can I come with you, RK? I want to see the Underground Monster myself.

RK: Sure. And if you don't see it, at least you'll know that it was all a lie.

BUSTER: I could have used that mindset when my parents told me that Santa was killed in a botched robbery.

 _Beat._

WADE: Who would have gotten robbed in that scenario?

SCENE 23

Ken Griffey, Jr. Park

Seattle, Washington

 _At night, RK and Buster are walking through the park, guarding themselves for a possible sighting with the Unnderground Monster. Buster is wearing a hat with a camera strapped to it._

RK: Did you really have to wear that camera?

BUSTER: Of course. The first person to get a picture of the Underground Monster will become a celebrity. They'll have millions of dollars guaranteed to them with just one shot.

RK: Trust me, if this monster is real, he won't be very photogenic. He'll see your camera, crush it into tiny itty bitty pieces and treat your head like a shuttlecock.

BUSTER: So you're coming around, huh?

RK: I said if. I don't get why people have to make up stories like this. It's just a waste of time.

BUSTER: I don't think it's that serious. I mean, look at how many people believe in Bigfoot.

RK: Yeah, and 90% of them are mentally ill living in their parents' basement trying to wipe up the Dorito residue from their mouth.

BUSTER: I love cool ranch Doritos, but I feel like I'm the only one.

 _RK gives Buster an annoyed expression._

BUSTER: What? You made me hungry. If we remembered to pack snacks, we wouldn't have this problem.

SCENE 24

Ken Griffey, Jr. Park

Seattle, Washington

 _1:45 A.M. PST_

 _RK and Buster look visibly tired after no sightings of the underground monster._

BUSTER: I was going to make a fortune.

RK: Don't worry, Buster, there's always going to be another get-rich-quick scheme. Meanwhile, I'm going to hit the bathroom and take my W like a humble champion.

BUSTER: Alright. I'll wait for you in the car.

 _RK goes to the bathroom. Cut to RK flushing the toilet chuckling to himself._

RK: Underground Monster.

 _"Underground" begins playing as the monster jumps out of the toilet and begins strangling RK._

RK: Wait until I wash my hands! WAIT UNTIL I WASH MY HANDS!

 _Cut to a bored RK washing and drying his hands while the Underground Monster watches him._ _The song momentarily stops._

RK: Okay, time to rumble!

 _"Underground" begins playing again. The monster kicks down the door to the bathroom stall and begins assaulting RK with it. His superhuman strength allows him to toss RK headfirst into the bathroom mirror, then spin him around and throw him into the bathroom door. RK screams and starts running towards the car, while Buster looks on with confusion._

RK: THE MONSTER'S REAL! HE'S GOING TO KILL ME!

BUSTER: Shit! Get in!

 _RK tries to open the car door, but the monster grabs him by the back of his neck and tosses him on the ground._

BUSTER: Leave him alone!

 _Buster leaves the car and kicks the Underground Monster in his face, but the monster begins attacking Buster as well. At this point, the monster is able to take down RK and Buster with ease. Buster tries to grab the monster, but he gets hit with a headbutt which takes him out for the time being. RK shoots the monster twice with his gun, but he immediately recovers and leaves RK frozen in shock. The monster pounds the ground, which causes a vibration and creates a massive, gaping hole in the middle of the park. Buster is on one side knocked out while RK tries to muster up some more offense, but gets slammed onto the ground instead. RK is then hit with a bicycle kick right in his temple. A now-unconscious RK is tossed through the hole and the monster, seeing that Buster is coming to, hits him with a bicycle kick as well. Buster is also tossed through the hole, and the monster jumps down the hole while laughing. Magically, the ground is restored at that moment._

SCENE 25

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Hallway

Seattle, Washington

 _The next morning, Sparky, Wade, and Jaylynn are at their lockers._

SPARKY: Guys, this is getting scary. I haven't heard from Buster or RK at all today.

WADE: It's probably nothing.

JAYLYNN: Yeah, I'm sure they're going to turn up.

 _Cut to inside the underground lair, where the monster is forcing a now-lobotomized Buster and RK to work for him and assemble T-shirts in a factory. The monster is laughing as he counts his large wad of cash and the "Underground" instrumental plays in the background. Fade to black._

 _("Crack a Bottle" by Eminem featuring Dr. Dre and 50 Cent plays over the end credits)_

 _POST-CREDITS GAG_

 _(The "Careful What You Wish For" instrumental plays in the background)_

 _On a rainy night in Seattle, a black car drives through the streets. Lisa Bennett, the antagonist from "The Simpsons Movie: Thank You, Heavenly Edition" is shown in the backseat eyeing the houses. She sees Sparky's house up ahead._

LISA: Right there.

DRIVER: This the place?

LISA: Yeah. Thanks.

DRIVER: Any time.

 _Lisa gets out of the car and looks at Sparky's house with rage._

LISA: I told you I was coming back for you, Sparky.

 _Lisa pulls out a switchblade and begins walking towards the house, but at that moment, she gets run over by an incoming car. A drunk Bitch Clock gets out of the car and stumbles around the yard holding a bottle of vodka._

 _*to the tune of "Drug Ballad" by Eminem*_ BITCH CLOCK: In third grade, all I used to do/Was sniff glue and eat crack through a Rubix cube/Many years after that, I'm as rude as Jude/Either somewhere in the lobby 'cause I'm rude as Jude.

 _Bitch Clock tosses his bottle at a tree and it breaks upon impact, then he collapses on the ground._ _Cut to Bitch Clock waking up in his bed, revealing the incident to be another dream sequence._

BITCH CLOCK: Who the hell was that?

 _Cut to black._

©2018 ANDERSON PRODUCTIONS

HAPPY HALLOWEEN


	3. TYH Relapse Backstage Pass

_PRODUCTION/CULTURAL REFERENCES (written 10/29/18-10/31/18)_

-Late last year, I listened to Eminem's 2009 album _Relapse_ and became a fan. I avoided it for a while because of the concept and his use of accents, but once I listened to it, I started to really enjoy the lyricism, different kinds of flows, songwriting, and Dr. Dre's production. I realized that most of the songs had a dark, uncomfortable vibe to them which were enhanced by the accents, and I started wondering if they could work as _Thank You, Heavenly_ episodes.

-I didn't really come up with any ideas for Halloween episodes this season, which was different because they tend to be the first ones I pencil in for each season. Since season five, I have started writing two Halloween episodes instead of one. The idea was that the first one would be a little more grounded and based in reality, while the second one would be more fantastical and take place outside of the show's universe. I was able to achieve that goal somewhat with the past two seasons, but the main problem I had was that the first episode came off more polished and complete, while the second episode came off more like I had just written it a few days ago and never bothered to edit it. In fact, that was the case last season, because while I came up with the idea for "Jaylynn the Satanist" ahead of time, I didn't begin writing it until a few days before the airdate which also involved me having to throw away my original idea for the episode. I needed a balance between both Halloween episodes this year so one was not outshined by the other. This is also the reason I abandoned the idea for multiple Halloween episodes in season three.

-Around January or February, I got serious about the idea of this season's Halloween episode being a one-hour adaptation of _Relapse_. I started thinking the album would be perfect as a collection of horror stories told in the _Thank You, Heavenly_ style. I also knew that the episode would be more interesting and challenging to work on if I wrote a story based on every song off the album, rather than just take my favorite tracks and work on those. To make things a little easier, I took every song and came up with the first story idea I could think of using one sentence. Some of the stories ("My Mom," "Stay Wide Awake," "Must Be the Ganja") ended up becoming different versions of the original sentences, some barely changed ("Insane," "Same Song & Dance," "Déjà Vu," "Underground"), and some ("Medicine Ball," "Beautiful") were thrown out completely. I didn't look at the sentences I came up with when I was writing the episode, and I only looked back at them on Saturday night so I had no time to see if I could still use a few of them.

-I had high expectations for myself because not only was this going to be the first two-part episode since season four, it was going to be the first one-hour episode since season two. I had already failed multiple times in the last two years trying to do another double-length episode ("You're Welcome, Hellish," "Girl Meets the Express," "The Simpsons Movie: Thank You, Heavenly Edition") and I knew this was a really ambitious concept. I really don't know what I would have done if this episode didn't work out. I came up with an idea for a different Halloween episode that could have replaced this one, but that's another story.

-Because the idea for this episode was already unconventional, I didn't really try to stress myself out over the usual things like characters acting consistently in every situation or stories making complete sense. It gave me a chance to break the rules a little bit and focus more on things like jokes and portraying the characters in new ways. In a normal episode, I would never be able to have the kids get murdered repeatedly or turn Sparky and RK into serial killers.

-One problem I had was that with some songs, they didn't really give me an idea of where to take the stories. I only came up with the segment for "Hello" because Eminem mentioned different colored pills in the hook, and "Medicine Ball" was changed twice. The first idea I had for that was Buster summoning ghosts and challenging them to a fight in an underground cage to send them back where they came from.

-Another problem I ran into was that I had to tell multiple stories in a short amount of time so I couldn't let most of them linger. The segments were given slightly more of a chance to breathe in part two, but throughout the episode, I had to keep the pace fast and make sure things were constantly moving.

-This was the first episode I wrote after "Y2RK" because I knew it would involve a lot of work and having it come later on in the production order was too much of a risk. I didn't want a repeat of the last two seasons where I was rushing to get the episode done ("The Zombies Come Out at Night," "Jaylynn the Satanist") so I decided to get it out of the way as soon as I could. That way, I could focus my attention on the regular episodes and make the necessary changes when the time came.

-I went with the title for this episode because it meant two things: It clarified that this was a _Thank You, Heavenly_ interpretation of _Relapse_ , and it gave the episode an old-school horror story feeling, like _Bram Stoker's Dracula_ or _Mary Shelley's Frankenstein_.

 _ **PART I**_

-"Crack a Bottle" was originally the theme song while "My Darling" played over the end credits, but I felt like the opposite direction made a lot more sense so I switched them around.

-One goal I had for this episode (that I didn't reach) was that I wanted to include a reference to the original song in the story I based it off of. Like in "3 a.m.," the Midnight Killer's federal documents state that he liked watching Cinemax. This is a reference to the music video for "3 a.m." originally premiering on Cinemax on May 2, 2009.

-Jaylynn was initially supposed to be the focus of "My Mom," but I thought it would be a little bit too disturbing to portray her mother as a drug addict, so I replaced her with Bitch Clock. I liked it because it was the first time I had ever given Bitch Clock a backstory, despite the whole thing being non-canon.

-In "My Mom," the doctor mentions that Bitch Clock's weight gain was due to the excess Valium forcing him to eat more, which was what happened to Eminem.

-In "Insane," Eminem's mother tells his stepfather to stick a cigarette to his neck, which is what Chuck did to Halley.

-The original idea I came up with for "Bagpipes from Baghdad" was that RK took a pill that caused him to hallucinate that he was in a Scottish post-apocalyptic society. It made sense to include Wade, and also include Bitch Clock while giving him a motivation to want to drug two children.

-Eminem mentioned wine cellars, Chips Ahoy! cookies, Miracle Whip, and Frank Zappa in "Bagpipes from Baghdad" so I included all of that in the segment. The leprechaun playing the pungi is a reference to the original song using a pungi sample. This is probably the most ridiculous thing I have ever written for the series.

-"Hello" is one of those segments that could have easily been its own episode, or at least an 11-minute episode merged with another story. Other segments that could have been longer include "3 a.m.," "Same Song & Dance," "We Made You," "Medicine Ball," "Stay Wide Awake," "Old Time's Sake," "Deja Vu," "Beautiful," and "Underground."

-The original idea for "We Made You" was the kids getting transported to hell and meeting Satan. They then find out that certain celebrities have broken their deal with him so they decide to bring the celebrities to him.

-RK's list of celebrities he wants dead is a reference to the _Friends_ episode "The One with Frank Jr.," where the characters name five celebrities they would sleep with.

-I added celebrities like Gina Rodriguez and Megyn Kelly during the rewrite. "We Made You" is actually one of the very few times in the series that I directly go after celebrities. Well, I have in the past, but this segment was more of a personal attack.

-I decided it would be more interesting to tie "Medicine Ball" in with "We Made You" because I had no ideas for it at all. I actually had to change the story again because it was supposed to take place after the events of "Welcome Home, Mr. Newman," but after that episode changed multiple times, I had no choice but to change this one. Originally, Buster was going to kill the tenants of the Westboro Complex for deciding to kick him out, but RK would talk him down and tell him that he cares more about him than the tenants did.

-It wasn't necessary to have the Paul Rosenberg segment, but I just thought it would be funny. I wrote it the same way it was written on the album, because in the original skit, Paul was disgusted with the songs and said that he didn't have Eminem's back this time. Plus, I have had trouble in the past when it came to using the names of certain characters, so this was self-deprecating too.

 _ **PART II**_

-In the "Stay Wide Awake" segment, Jaylynn makes a direct reference to a lyric from the song "Why" by the rapper Jadakiss, which also features vocals from R&B singer Anthony Hamilton.

-One idea I thought of for "Old Time's Sake" that I didn't really take seriously was having the guys throw a party featuring characters that used to appear in the series. I then came up with a throwback concept, with the guys dressing up in costumes that reflected the current year like they did in season one's "Halloween in Seattle." This segment also features the one-time return of the Talking Dumpster, a recurring character from the first three seasons. His shtick was that Buster would ask him for advice, but the advice he would give him had nothing to do with what Buster was talking about. By season three, I was tired of him and felt like he served no purpose as a character anymore, so I killed him off in "Buster the Hedonist" by having Buster pull a gun out from thin air and shoot him to death.

-I made no changes to the "Must Be the Ganja" segment, other than replace Trevor's line "Ted said knock you out!" with "Teddy said knock you out!" I felt like all the segment needed to be was funny and stupid. However, the original idea was that the boys end up at a cemetery and the weed makes them paranoid that ghosts are going to haunt them for disturbing their resting place.

-Rodney references the Gang Starr song "Take Two and Pass," a song about marijuana etiquette when smoking with a group, and then later references the song "Nasty" by Janet Jackson.

-KG directly references a line from the 50 Cent song "Patiently Waiting," which also features Eminem.

-Trevor mentioning the serial killers showing up with his mind is a reference to "Must Be the Ganja" where Eminem asks the listener who else can name every serial killer in a row. KG actually seeing them is a reference to a bit from the _Simpsons_ episode "Mountain of Madness," where Homer threatens Mr. Burns by stating that he has political powers, and a paranoid Mr. Burns actually sees political figures standing alongside Homer ready to fight him.

-In "Déjà Vu," Eminem mentions a football game on TV between the Dallas Cowboys and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, which is the same game Sparky references in the segment.

-I really liked "Beautiful" because not only was it one of the few segments that could have actually been its own episode while having nothing to do with Halloween, but it was about Adriana and Anna. Never before in the series have I done anything with these two characters in the focus, so it was a nice change of pace and I wouldn't mind giving them their own episode at some point.

-Adriana and Anna's school is named after German psychoanalyst Karen Horney (1885-1952), who was notable for challenging the theories and views popularized by Sigmund Freud.

-When talking to Anna, RK quotes a line from Big L's "7 Minute Freestyle" which also features Jay-Z.

-Adriana's text references a line from the outro to "Beautiful" where Eminem says: "And to the rest of the world, God gave you them shoes to fit you, so put 'em on and wear 'em."

-Originally, I was going to write a segment for "Crack a Bottle," but I didn't think it really fit in with the rest and it was unnecessary. So, to replace it, I decided to take a song from the _Relapse: Refill_ EP and write a segment based off it instead. I was considering "Buffalo Bill," but "Elevator" had my attention from the first time I listened to it. I also wanted to do something different from the other segments, so instead of an actual story, I decided to write it in rap form. It was fun because it was one of the few times I have been able to do something musical in the series, but also challenging because Jaylynn and Anja don't have natural rapping skills. The key was that it had to sound like they wrote the lyrics themselves.

-Much like the Paul Rosenberg segment, the Steve Berman segment was only in the episode to be funny and self-deprecating. And like "Paul," I wrote this segment exactly the way it was done on the album.

-Buster references Eminem's 2017 album _Revival_ , which was negatively received by fans and critics and is now considered to be among his worst projects.

-The Underground Monster coming out of the toilet to attack RK is a direct reference to "Underground" where Eminem says that Slim Shady sounds like a fable "until he jumps out of the f***ing toilet while you're taking a pee."

-I didn't know what I wanted to do to end the episode but I knew I didn't just want the last segment to be "Underground" and then the credits roll. That's when I decided to come up with the dream sequence of Lisa returning for her revenge on Sparky, with the expectation that this is another segment, then Bitch Clock runs her over and that's it. Originally, Bitch Clock would have been happy about killing Lisa, but then I realized he wouldn't know who she is, so I changed the scene to him questioning what happened.

-I came up with the "Drug Ballad" parody last month, and part of the reason was just because I thought the "rude as Jude" line was funny. The original lines are: "In third grade, all I used to do/Was sniff glue through a tube and play Rubix cube/Seventeen years later, I'm as rude as Jude" and "Either somewhere in the lobby or the hallway wall."


End file.
